The Worst Cartoon Ever

The awesome folks over there at Urlesque had a little feature called "13 Old Cartoons You Didn't Think Anyone Else Watched". It was awesome. But after reading it and watching some of the old cartoons, I'm fairly convinced that no one watched them. That is, except The Ant and The Aardvark, which aired during episodes of The Pink Panther. That was awesome. The rest of those cartoons are simply crap.

But the one which I found to be absolutely awful as well as inexplicable was The Gary Coleman Show. Yes. That is correct. The Gary Coleman Show. From what I can tell, the Gary Coleman character is an angel that is sent back down to earth by some school marm looking angel who wears gladiator sandals (which is strange since she's an angel and lives in the clouds where there really isn't a pressing need for footwear). I guess he's supposed to do good deeds. I'm not really sure. I'm more interested in what the story was behind the dead kid, but I don't really think that they got into that very much back then. (By the way, I'm merely assuming that he's a small child in this cartoon. For all I know, he could have been an adult. Hard to tell with that guy.)

The point here is that is appears to have been terrible and I cannot believe that anyone watched it. Actually, I can't believe that anyone thought that this thing was a good idea in the first place. Who comes up with these things? What was it that made someone think that what the world was clamoring for at the time was a Gary Coleman cartoon where he's an angel? And after whoever it was voiced this opinion, who in the world was it that agreed with that individual?

I've included a sample of this madness below. It's only the opening credits, but it's enough for you to grasp just how horrible it was (and still is, in a way). If you need some of the actual crap show, do a You Tube search. There are a few on there for you to gape in amazement at.

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Shannon? Part Deux

I was right. Shannon Price is the gift that keeps on giving. Man. Now, I really didn't mean to drag this out for three days. Why TMZ can't just put all of their footage of this whack job in one place, I don't know. But if I am to assume that this is the last of it (it being the odd, odd interview that she gave to TMZ), then TMZ saved the best for last because this stuff is pretty good.

It has become evident to me that this girl was far from intelligent. I'd call her dumb, but that just doesn't seem very nice. She appears to be under the impression that she is a hot item right about now in the aftermath of the demise of her pocket-sized husband. Yeah, she's not receiving all of this attention because we're so fascinated with her eloquence of speech. She's receiving the minimal amount of attention that she is because she has said some weird things in this interview. And none of them are what you would expect from the supposedly now grieving Widow Coleman.

Now, according to TMZ, this interview was shot the day after Gary's death. In the one part, she spends an awful lot of time discussing finances, mainly how she has none. Stick with me here and see if you can spot the irony in these segments.

"We went to Vegas a lot, 'cause I love Vegas. I love getting pampered there. I love shopping there. Obviously, I would buy the high end stuff. But...we always had to stay in Caesar's Palace, because that's where I would shop. But we always got the Bellagio fountain view room. Because we were obsessed with watching that fountain. We thought it was really cool."

Obviously she would be the high end stuff? Because Gary Coleman was such a big celebrity, he just had cash oozing everywhere, is that it? Tell me again why it is that I would have cared where you stayed? Or shopped, for that matter. Good for you? I don't rightly know what to say to all of that. But I DO know what to say after her next little bit.

"Um, you know, our life together has not always been the best...financially. And right now...I'm struggling. You know, to, to, to figure out what I'm going to do for funeral costs. And I don't know how I'm going to survive. You know. It's been a really rough while because Gary hasn't had much work because of his health."

Soooo...let me get this straight. You bought all of the high end stuff in Vegas where, according to your own admission, went "a lot". And less than a minute after bragging about all of your high falutin' ways (I have no idea how to spell falutin', so I guessed), you're telling me you don't know what you're going to do about funeral costs? I find that hard to believe, ma'am. Very hard to believe indeed. Tell me some more tales.

OK, then. She goes on to whine that "Our finances were great when I met him. I mean, we had, we had...he had fantastic...he had a lot of work and was doing a lot of projects and stuff, but, um...now...I basically have nothing. I mean, you know, I mean he was never able to have life insurance because of his renal failure. Because of his kidney disease. He was never able to get that. (long pause) Which is SAD because, you know, that could have helped with funeral costs and everything else. Soooo, I'm just wishing and hoping that people will pour out to us and really show their compassion like they have...have been sending the letters and the emails."

Again, let me get this straight. You brag about spending money in Vegas all of the time. Next thing out of your mouth is how you hope that people will (and I'm using your words here, cupcake) "pour out to us" just like they've been doing when they send "the letters and the emails". Are you dry shaving me? You piss away all of the money and now you want people to not just help you out, you want them to pour money to you? I don't think that's such a good idea. Tell me something, didn't it cross your teeny, tiny little brain that if Gary couldn't get life insurance, then there should be some sort of ::: gasp! ::: saving going on over there? You know...saving? It's where you don't spend!!

And it's probably not a real good idea to get me started on funeral costs. For those of you kind enough to have followed this blog after the predictable demise of Corey Haim, I pointed out that you don't need a lot of money to bury someone. A little cremation and an urn can be had for under $1,000. And you can get a swell cremains plot (still oogs me out that they call them that) for under $1,000 as well. Don't be spouting off that you need thousands and thousand of dollars for burial costs. That's just a bunch of crap right there.

In another part of the interview, she begins to wax poetic about...something. It's very odd. You know how you can put your iPod on "Shuffle" and it just plays songs at random? I think that she put her vocabulary on "Shuffle" because she was just spouting word salad there for about a minute and a half. It begins...like this...

"I mean (puts her head down like she dropped a quarter or something), I mean, I feel bad you know, for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan because they're so under the microscope. But, you know, I mean at the same time, I don't have any remorse for Lindsay. She parties all the time, you know? She's the one who makes herself look bad. You know, I...I...I used to really respect her because she had red hair and she was so cute in "Parent Trap" and stuff like that." Um...what now?

She feels bad. No, wait! She doesn't feel bad. But she...wait. She used to respect Lindsay Lohan because she had red hair? Did I hear that correctly? You base your respect of people based on hair color? Man, you must idolize Carrot Top. Seriously, what in the hell was she talking about. What do Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have to do with her husband falling down and cracking open his dome?

"But like I said, I think that Gary would have been a good role model. Because he's not into drugs. He wasn't seeny like that. (Yes, I know I typed "seeny". I listened to it four times. She said "seeny". Not "seedy". Seeny. Clearly, her linguistic abilities did not play much of a part in why he married her.) He would go out to restaurants and, you know, do his thing. (He would go to restaurants and do his thing? What sort of a thing was that? Eat? That's my thing when I go to restaurants. I eat.) You know, and live his life. But he didn't want to be a part of...he didn't want to be friends with celebrities. He told me that. He was like I don't want to be in Hollywood."

She doesn't specify just who Gary could have been a good role model to. I certainly can't picture him being a good role model for Lindsay, only because I really can't see the two of them hanging out long enough for him to be a role model. And how many times was it that he was arrested for assault? At least twice, right? Hmmm...so she can't mean that his temperament was good role model material. He was a mall cop for a while. Would he have been a good role model for shorter statured mall cops? Hard to say. Hard. To. Say.

Let's wrap this up here. "And...I really respect the guy that he didn't want to be friends with celebrities. (long pause) Because a lot of them have issues. I mean, they have everything in the world, but a lot of them want to commit suicide. (long pause) You know, they just have a negative outlook on a lot of things."

Wow. She has the ability to look deep within the soul of celebrities and tell the world what's really going on in there. How does she know this, exactly? She seems to have the facts skewed just a little bit. See, Gary would have liked to have stayed in Hollywood. But Hollywood sort of chewed him up and spit him out a long time ago. There's a reason the little dude was so angry all of the time and that had a lot to do with it.

If you are thinking about sending money to this nutjob or if you know someone who is thinking about sending money to this nutjob, do I have a deal for you! Since you clearly have more money than you know what to do with, I'd like to propose that you send the exact same amount to me. It'll go to good use. I promise! I mean, I'm sure that I would enjoy getting pampered in Vegas and buying all sort of high end stuff! Seriously. I don't have a really short husband with kidney failure who died after he fell and I couldn't be troubled by the mess of the blood to go downstairs and help him or anything, but I swear that I'm worth at least every penny that anyone would consider sending to Shannon Price.

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Shannon?

Shannon Price, who was married to Gary Coleman, might just be one of those gifts that keeps on giving. Now, as Mark pointed out in yesterday's post, could "...we really expect a woman who would marry Gary Coleman to be within 5 ZIP codes of normal?" Point taken (and very well made)! Yeah, shocking that the woman who married Gary Coleman is a little strange (pun probably intended).

But strange is becoming a bit of an understatement these days. First, there was the rather odd 911 call that she made where she seemed to spend a great deal of the time telling the 911 operator what was wrong with her and what her problems were. Meanwhile, her husband lay bleeding on the floor downstairs, but she couldn't go down there because she finds blood to be icky (I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's about the gist of it). And now there is the interview that she granted to TMZ.

I can only imagine that TMZ paid this dim, dim individual a substantial amount of money to do this interview. And when I say "substantial", I mean substantial in the terms of what someone who was married to Gary Coleman would think is substantial. I'm guessing $10k. Maybe $20k. Not more than $25k. It could be as low as $5,000. I have the feeling that any of those amounts would seem like a million to that chick.

Now, I wouldn't expect someone whose husband had just died to be doing an interview so soon. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't expect them to be doing an interview before the deceased is even placed into the ground. (Please see below for an extremely tasteless image as to what his personalized coffin might look like. What? Too soon?) But even if one were to give such an interview, I'd expect it to have a little bit more to do with the deceased and not the person giving the interview, you know? But that could be just me.

She uses the same voice that she did on the 911 call. That is to say, one without urgency or feeling and completely devoid of compassion. Let's take it from the top. First, she brings up unspeculated about speculation. Apparently, she seems to think that people are/were speculating that she pushed the diminutive former child star down the stairs, causing the gash on his dome and the subsequent bleeding (which she couldn't deal with), hemorrhage and finally, death.

"And...me. I mean, I've had a lot of speculation out there. I've had a lot of people out there say, "Yeah. She pushed him. This and that." You know. People are so cruel. They don't even KNOW. I was UPSTAIRS. He was DOWNSTAIRS. How am I going to push him? You know. And that affected me more than anything because...the scrutiny that people come up with. They're just heartless. Why would I want to hurt my husband? Are you kidding?"

OK, so all about her. Let's talk about her comprehension of what Mr. Coleman's condition was at the time of his hospitalization and what his condition, perhaps, could have been if she had not made the decision to discontinue the life support methods.

"You know, the doctors told us that even if they had done surgery on him that he would have died. He would have bled to death during the surgery. And they said that even if they did take a chunk out of his brain, he would not be the same. He would basically be like Muhammad Ali. He wouldn't be...you know...I mean...he would have died sooner or later anyway from that. Because...you know, the brain...because it's so traumatic."

That statement seems a little bit rambly at best. If they did surgery, he would have died. BUT if they took a "chunk" out of his brain, he's be like Muhammad Ali. Um, last I checked, Muhammad Ali was alive. AND last I checked, Muhammad Ali had Parkinson's Disease. Is she saying that if he had the "chunk" removed from his brain, that it would have given him Parkinson's? I don't think that would have happened. I don't think that's what would have happened at all.

Then there's my favorite part. The "he would have died sooner or later anyway from that". From what, cupcake? From being like Muhammad Ali? Muhammad Ali is in his sixties. He seems to be fairly aware of what's going on around him. I don't think he speaks much, but he doesn't look miserable. But all of that is beside the point, really. The point is that you don't disconnect someone from life support because they would have died eventually. Yeah, we're all going to die eventually, that really shouldn't be a basis for deciding whether or not to remove life support.

But listen, we've talked about Gary enough in this interview. I mean, he's dead, right? Let's talk more about her and what she thinks that people think about her. (The fact that she thinks that people think about her at all shows a fair amount of delusion.)

"I don't want people to be too hard on me thinking that I had to pull the plug too early. He wouldn't have made it anyways, so his heart just would have given out. And I don't want people to sit there and think...I'm a BITCH! And that I didn't care about him. But, you know, be in my situation. I mean, look what happened with Terri Schiavo. I always think of her case. ALWAYS. When it comes to this. I mean...Gary was gone. His eyes were dilated. He wasn't...you know...he was..he was just gone."

He wouldn't have made it anyways? You know, because now it's about his heart. And for cryin' out loud, be in her situation! I mean, look what happened with Terri Schiavo, for God's sakes! She thinks about that always. ALWAYS. Wait. Always? You know how often I think of Terri Schiavo? Never. Even when her case was big in the news, it still didn't get a lot of thinking time out of me. But she thinks about her ALWAYS. OK, then. Is there more? Of course there is. Let's hear about some of her fonder memories.

"And you know, he's, he's, he's done a lot for me. He bought me a car. Which...he chose to do. Which I never asked him for. I thought was awesome. I thought it was very sweet of him to do that."

Perhaps you've noticed the absence of any sort of love in this whole thing. Perhaps you've noticed how completely detached this chick is from...well, everything. But then again, he bought her a car. That was very sweet. She didn't ask him to! That's something! Hey. Wait a minute. He bought her a car? She said in the 911 call that she didn't drive because of all of the seizures and stuff. What is with this chick? Oh, yeah. That's right. She married Gary Coleman. Enough said. For now.

Just A Little Help

So, Gary Coleman has been dead for almost a week now. (They're still planning his funeral. I'm assuming that once they find an appropriately sized shoe box to bury him in, things will start moving along.) I had thought about approaching this topic sooner, but given the slightly out of control way that he seemed to go through his day to day life, I figured that there would actually be something new to talk about if I just gave it a little time so that more details could start seeping out. Good thing I did. They've seeped.

I've always wondered about his marriage to the Amazon woman, Shannon Price. (She seems to be really tall. Then again, standing next to him, she might be only five feet tall. I suppose that my reference in this matter might be a bit skewed.) While she's about twenty years younger than him, give or take a couple of years (and feet, while you're at it), their maturity level seemed to be about even...if they were both 5. Neither one of them seemed to be the brightest bulb on the tree.

According to Ms. Price, the diminutive Mr. Coleman was prone to throwing fits when he didn't get his way. In the past, some of his fits included throwing a printer, throwing a fax machine, beating his head against a wall, and screaming in a high pitched state of rage that sounded an awful lot like what a 2-year old does when things aren't going just quite right. To say that he was short tempered would be accurate in a variety of ways (not to mention it would make for an awesome pun).

And maybe that's why, whenever I saw the two of them interviewed together (most notably on Divorce Court, where it was revealed that their brief, odd little marriage was never consummated, perhaps because Mr. Coleman did not have access to a ladder), I always found her to come across as rather detached. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that one should be buddying up to someone else who is prone to hurling large computer peripherals during fits of dissatisfaction. I'm just saying that she didn't seem like she was all that into him. That's all.

And judging from the 911 call that she made, it's really difficult to tell that she even liked the guy very much. She was rather...what's the word I want? Hmm...upset? Eh. Maybe, but that's not where I'm headed with this. Umm....panicked? Kind of, but not for reasons that one would think. Indifferent and annoyed with the whole thing after he fell down at some point and hit his head and was bleeding everywhere? Yeah! That's it! That's the term I was looking for. She seemed very inconvenienced by the whole ordeal.

The gossipy folks over yonder at TMZ have been kind enough to provide us with the audio of the 911 call that Shannon Price made from their dollhouse home in Santaquin, Utah. (Of course, they're not going to let me embed the audio here, but the wonderful, newsy folks over there at the New York Daily News will let me embed the audio, which you will find at the bottom of this post.) Now, look, I've been to Santaquin. Many a time. There isn't much there. It's fairly empty and in the middle of nowhere. I would imagine that it would take medical personnel a while to respond to an emergency call. Thus, it's going to be pertinent upon the person making the call to be a little bit more helpful than Ms. Price was!

Ms. Price calls 911 (at least she could figure that much out) and when the operator asks what the problem is, her response is, "Um....um....I just found...I had my husband go make me some food downstairs. I heard this big bang. I went downstairs. Blood everywhere. I don't know if he's okay. I'm not down there right now because I have seizures if I get stressed out. I'm gonna seize." What now?

She has seizures if she gets stressed out? Is that something new? Regardless as to the novelty of it all, she wasn't down there with him? She goes down, sees her husband on the floor and bleeding profusely, runs upstairs to get the phone and leaves him down there without much of any intent of returning to his side? How comforting for the man. He was a lucky little dude. Or not.

Now, the 911 operator seems to get that it would be important for her to go down there to be with him. If nothing else, at least to try and stop the bleeding. I mean, if the guy is unconscious, is she really not going to even try to go and help stop the bleeding?! For reals? Ma'am, you are a real piece of work, that's for sure.

She continues talking to the operator by telling her, "His head is bloody. There's blood all over the floor. I don't know what happened. I really don't know what happened. I just heard this bang and I just went down there and he's on the floor. Send someone quick because I don't even know if he's going to be alive. There's a lot of blood on the floor." The 911 operator responds with, "Is there any way that you can go down there at all?" And I'll give that woman props for saying it as calmly and as kindly as she did. I don't know that those would have been my choice of words in this situation. (Mine might have been more like, "Lady, you're going to have to toughen up and get your ass down there and help your freaking husband so that he doesn't die. I don't care if you're a little squeamish. If you have a seizure, don't worry! Medical personnel are on the way!") To which Ms. Price responded, "I don't know. I'll try. I mean...I don't know." In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, what a maroon.

The conversation doesn't get much better than that, but it does follow a similar theme. See if you notice it in the dialogue that they shared.

911 operator: How old is your husband?...I'm going to stay on the line with you, OK

Shannon "More About Me" Price: Cool. I've just been like...I've been sick and I really don't want to be traumatized right now. (Yeah, that'd be awful. No sense in you being traumatized whilst your husband is suffering from a massive head wound downstairs. You just stay put, little lady.)

911 operator: Is he conscious?

Shannon "I Need Some Binoculars" Price: Um, no…He's was like bubbling at the mouth. I'll see. Gary! (Mind you, she's yelling down the stairs at him because she won't go down there.)

911 operator: Is he breathing?

Shannon "From The Watchtower" Price: Yeah, I can hear him moving around. Gary? Are you OK?

911 operator: Can you tell him to put pressure on the wound?

Shannon "I'm Missing The Point" Price: Well, it's on the back of his head. So I don't know if he can. (Oh, my GOD. The man is severely injured. Of course he can't put pressure on his own head. He might not even know where his head is at this point! Get your Amazon ass down there and help the man! What is wrong with you?!)

911 operator: He has to put pressure on that wound

Shannon "I'll Do This From A Distance" Price, yelling from the top of the stairs: Gary, you've gotta put pressure on your wound. No, Gary. Don't! Roxy!...(Roxy seems to be their dog. Good to know that she's making sure that the animals are all present and accounted for during this time.) He's lethargic. I can't really help him. I just need help quick. (Oh, but you CAN help him, you nitwit! You're just NOT going to! You clearly are capable of having about as much compassion as does a dining room table.) I just can't be here with the blood. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I can't. I have my dog. Come on! Gary, what is wrong?! (You have to ask what's wrong? He's massively bleeding from his dome. He's alone in the downstairs of his house. He hears your annoying voice coming from somewhere and yelling at him. I think that there's plenty wrong.)

This sad tale continues along the same lines for a little while longer.

Shannon "But I Have Seizures" Price: There's blood going all over and I can't do anything. He's sitting up now. He's sitting up, but his head is all bloody in the back. And I can't drive. Because, you know, like I said, I have seizures and I've been sick and you know, I can't do anything right now, you know. OH, my God. I don't know what happened. I just asked him if he could go make me some food and he was like "OK" and then I don't know. But his head is all bloody and gross, you know.

911 operator (who deserves a medal or a raise or something for not screaming at that woman by now): He's conscious now?

Shannon "I State The Obvious" Price: He's conscious, but he's not, like, with it. And I don't know if he had a seizure. (No. You're the one who has seizures, sweetie. Try and keep up.) I don't know if he just hit his head and fell. Cause he was like, I mean, he wasn't in like convulsions or anything, you know what I mean? (long silence) I mean, I can't get around right now as it is, you know what I mean? (Actually, no. I don't know. But I certainly don't want you explaining it to me NOW.)

Saintly 911 operator: Shannon, can you help him put pressure on the back of his head?

Shannon "Completely Useless" Price: No. I can't. It's like all bloody. And he's like, not with it. I asked him and he's....

911 operator who is getting tired of this crap: He's going to need to put pressure on that. Is there any way that you can give him a towel?

Shannon "No Help At All" Price: Yeah. I can try...(inaudible)...I just don't want him to freaking die, you know? I'm freaking out." (You can hear her taking her time an ambling down the stairs.) Gary, don't move. Don't move! You have to try and put this on your head. (I'm assuming this is where she throws the towel at him and hopes that he's lucid enough to figure out which way is up so he can help save himself.) Put pressure on it! (Good idea. Yell at the man. That should do it.) There is like blood all fricking over....I don't even know why you're standing. (Good. That's it! Keep berating the man as he bleeds in front of you. Perfect. You should be a doctor.) Here!

This is just making me sad. Very sad. I don't know what killed the guy, but surely her pansiness and her unwillingness to help her own husband played some sort of a part in it. How much blood did he lose because she was not willing to put pressure on his wound? I realize she's seizure-ific or whatever, but it's the man's life! Here's the end of the 911 call (it follows the same vein of patheticness as the dialogue which preceded it):

911 operator: Tell him to sit down.

Shannon "I'm Getting Annoyed" Price: You need to sit down! Gary, sit down! Sit down! (Um, that woman said "tell" not "yell".)

(Seems to be yelling from far away)

(Gary says something)

Shannon "My Floor!" Price: Look at the floor! Sit down! Sit down!
911 operator who is praying the paramedics are there: Check and see if they've arrived.

Shannon "I Can't Answer The Door" Price: Tell them to come in. I'm gagging. I've got blood on myself. I can't deal. (I think I might actually have a hatred for this chick.)

This is where the 911 operator tells her to go to the front door and open it because if she's gagging, she wants her to go and open the door and get away from what is making her gag. That's all that Mr. Coleman would have needed to hear. His beloved bride, gagging at his inconvenient gash in his cranial unit which is causing her all sorts of internal discomfort. But I noticed that it seemed like not less than 3 second after the 911 operator tells her this that she is opening the door.

Shannon "This Is All About Me" Price: I just can't stand very long, you know? And I'm like, panic stricken. The call ends about 10 seconds after this last round of her whining about what her problems are. Whatever.

The entire time that she was on the phone with the 911 operator, her voice was constantly as calm as if she was just ordering a pizza. The only time when her voice was not calm was when she was screaming at her injured husband. I find this odd. I find this sad. And I find this incredibly disturbing. She spent more time telling the 911 operator about herself and what was wrong with her and what grossed her out and what might happen to her than she did talking about Gary. I don't usually (directly) call names, but she has definitely earned the title of "bitch".