Say "Happy Birthday" With Flavor!

In what might be one of the most ridiculous product roll outs since Smell-O-Vision, the folks over there at American Greetings (you know, the card company that is not Hallmark) have announced via PR News Wire, their new line of cards called Tasties. That's right. It's a greeting card that you can taste. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to a one Mary McClain, who is the creative director of new product concepts over there at American Greetings, "Just think, haven't you ever secretly wished you could actually taste that delicious looking piece of cake on the front of your birthday card? Well, now you can literally have your cake and eat it, too." Um, well...wait. How many birthday cards have pictures of cake on the front of them? I know that there are probably SOME, but certainly not all of them. And the ones that do, I'm not recalling them looking all that scrumptious. Cartoonish, if anything, would be how I'd describe them. But really, I'm not ever thinking that I wished I could taste the cake on my card because, if I'm receiving the card for my birthday, I know that there actually is a real cake right around the corner! That's what you do on birthdays! You eat cake!

The press release goes on to read that "Each card in the new line features a deliciously dissolvable flavor-strip, safely sealed inside, which recipients can enjoy along with the warm wishes of friends and family." Clearly, the folks over at American Greetings have never met my friends and family. We're not exactly the "warm wishes" type of folks. Good Lord, especially not my friends. We're more of a "Happy birthday, bee-yotch!" sort of crowd.

And I don't know that I'm finding a lot of appeal in the though of a "deliciously dissolvable flavor-strip" that I'm supposed to eat. And of course, with all of those damn well-wishers sitting around you, you wouldn't have any choice but to eat the thing! And probably to chants of "Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!" Good Lord, it sounds like a bad idea all the way around.

Here's an example of what you can expect: " One birthday card in the new line features a mouth-watering image of a cupcake and reads, "If nothing else, birthdays are a great excuse to eat cake." The inside reads, "…lots and lots of cake." The dissolvable strip included encourages recipients to "take a bite," and enjoy the taste of vanilla cupcake, expanding on the fun and sweetness of the greeting. Other flavors to help consumers celebrate include everything from donut to margarita." Eww. Eating a dissolving strip is not like eating "lots and lots of cake". I don't care how good the strip tastes, it's still not cake. It just doesn't sound like all that great of an idea to me. Yeah, so, eww.

What, exactly, does "everything from donut to margarita" include? Because if we're going alphabetically, that doesn't include cake! It also wouldn't include alcohol or tequila. There'd be no pie. No chocolate. No sprinkles. Oh, frosting! There'd be frosting! Again, I'm back to eww. And really, I've never tried to connect the dots from a donut to a margarita. Is it like a 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of thing? Like 6 Degrees of Really Dumb Ideas?

This won't last long at all. The card companies aren't willing to admit it, but we're not all that fond of those musical cards that they insist on shoving upon us either. Those should have gone wayside a long time ago. But I think that it will be pretty evident rather quickly that this was a silly idea (and I use the term "silly" quite loosely, as this is completely idiotic).

The Unlikely, Felonious Candidate

As Scott pointed out in my post the other day about the debacle that is Alvin Greene in South Carolina, I left out the best part. That part being that the aforementioned Mr. Greene was charged with one felony count of, what the AP reports to be, "...showing obscene Internet photos to a University of South Carolina student, then talking about going to her room at a university dorm." Now, I don't know if that's the official charge (it seems rather lengthy) or if that's just what happened, but the bottom line is that our buddy, Clem, here, is the nominee for a Senate seat and does weird things in his spare time. Allegedly.

Let's look into the accusation a little more closely. Again referencing the story over at the AP, it would seem that a one 19-year old Camille McCoy, who is described as a "rising sophomore at the University of South Carolina", alleges that while in a computer lab, Greene sat down next to her "...and asked her to look at his screen, which showed a pornographic website." First of all, what in the world is a "rising sophomore"? Is that supposed to imply that she will one day be a junior after she "rises" in the ranks? Seriously, what's up with that little moniker there, AP guys? A rising sophomore. OK, fine. Call her what you want.

But second, what's with the being able to view porn in the university computer labs? Most of the people I know can't even view Facebook from work because their fascist employers have blocked access to it (not to mention anything streaming, which sounds like it would probably include porn sites). You know what college kids want to do in computer labs? Look at porn, that is correct. You know what college kids want to do when they're not in computer labs? Look at porn, that is correct. You know what half of the Internet consists of? Porn, that is correct. Now, I'm not blaming the university, but I am suggesting that they block the porn.

But back to the allegations (which I have no reason to disbelieve that he actually did, as he seems dim enough to have pulled such a stunt). Who does that? You sit down next to some chick and pull yourself up some good ol' computer porn and say, "Look at this! Look at it!" (I'm not certain of the specific vernacular that was used. I'm merely paraphrasing.) That's a strange ranger right there. Granted, the mascot of the University of South Carolina is the gamecock, it's still no excuse for this sort of behavior.

The article goes on to document that, according to Miss McCoy, "I said, 'That's offensive,' and he sat there laughing...It was very disgusting." Hold on there, sweetheart. You look at his screen o'porn and you said, "That's offensive"? No, you didn't! What 18-year old would say it like that? You mean to tell me that you didn't call him a pervert? You didn't shout out "Oh, my God!" (Or "OMG!" as kids your age are pretty into the whole texting thing.) I find it difficult to believe that you said, "That's offensive." I'm not saying it wasn't offensive. It certainly sounds offensive. I'm just saying I highly doubt that's how you handled it.

She goes on to state that "He said, 'Let's go to your room now.' It was kind of scary. He's a pretty big boy. He could've overpowered me." Could have overpowered you? Right there in the middle of the computer lab? Granted, the kinds of folks that are usually hanging around the computer labs aren't exactly your broad shouldered, strapping lads or anything like that. But I find it hard to believe that's what went through your head at the time. Sounds like she handles things very pleasantly in her little world.

I found this next part to be the most interesting, yet it's the part that's getting the least attention. "McCoy, who is from Charleston, said she was stunned to learn that the same man she later identified from a photo lineup was running for office, much less had won a party's nomination." First of all, why do we need to know that she is from Charleston? Who cares? Why tell me inconsequential information, AP? Why? I know, I know! It's because the media sucks. I get that. But usually it's because they're not putting in enough information, rather than inserting crap that isn't even relevant to the story. Was the author of this piece under some sort of minimum word count requirement or something?

But that's not the most interesting part (it's merely the most annoying). If she was identifying him from a photo lineup, where did the police get his photo? If he was arrested before, that would be a pretty good reason for the cops to already have a photo of him, yes? I would think so. So ,how come I'm not hearing about what else he may have done before his potentially storied career as a US Senator? Oh, right. Back to the media sucks. Never mind.

This is a very strange thing to be accused of. It's an even stranger thing to do. It's unfortunate that no one had ever heard of this guy (before he won the nomination) because if they had, perhaps background checks would have been done and people would have wanted to vote for someone that they had never heard of without a pending felony charge as opposed to who they did vote for, someone that they had never heard of with a pending felony charge. And as weird as it sounds, this guy is pretty weird. He doesn't seem real bright, either. But he's the nominee for the Democratic Party for a Senate seat in South Carolina. U-S-A! U-S-A!!

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Shannon? Part Deux

I was right. Shannon Price is the gift that keeps on giving. Man. Now, I really didn't mean to drag this out for three days. Why TMZ can't just put all of their footage of this whack job in one place, I don't know. But if I am to assume that this is the last of it (it being the odd, odd interview that she gave to TMZ), then TMZ saved the best for last because this stuff is pretty good.

It has become evident to me that this girl was far from intelligent. I'd call her dumb, but that just doesn't seem very nice. She appears to be under the impression that she is a hot item right about now in the aftermath of the demise of her pocket-sized husband. Yeah, she's not receiving all of this attention because we're so fascinated with her eloquence of speech. She's receiving the minimal amount of attention that she is because she has said some weird things in this interview. And none of them are what you would expect from the supposedly now grieving Widow Coleman.

Now, according to TMZ, this interview was shot the day after Gary's death. In the one part, she spends an awful lot of time discussing finances, mainly how she has none. Stick with me here and see if you can spot the irony in these segments.

"We went to Vegas a lot, 'cause I love Vegas. I love getting pampered there. I love shopping there. Obviously, I would buy the high end stuff. But...we always had to stay in Caesar's Palace, because that's where I would shop. But we always got the Bellagio fountain view room. Because we were obsessed with watching that fountain. We thought it was really cool."

Obviously she would be the high end stuff? Because Gary Coleman was such a big celebrity, he just had cash oozing everywhere, is that it? Tell me again why it is that I would have cared where you stayed? Or shopped, for that matter. Good for you? I don't rightly know what to say to all of that. But I DO know what to say after her next little bit.

"Um, you know, our life together has not always been the best...financially. And right now...I'm struggling. You know, to, to, to figure out what I'm going to do for funeral costs. And I don't know how I'm going to survive. You know. It's been a really rough while because Gary hasn't had much work because of his health."

Soooo...let me get this straight. You bought all of the high end stuff in Vegas where, according to your own admission, went "a lot". And less than a minute after bragging about all of your high falutin' ways (I have no idea how to spell falutin', so I guessed), you're telling me you don't know what you're going to do about funeral costs? I find that hard to believe, ma'am. Very hard to believe indeed. Tell me some more tales.

OK, then. She goes on to whine that "Our finances were great when I met him. I mean, we had, we had...he had fantastic...he had a lot of work and was doing a lot of projects and stuff, but, um...now...I basically have nothing. I mean, you know, I mean he was never able to have life insurance because of his renal failure. Because of his kidney disease. He was never able to get that. (long pause) Which is SAD because, you know, that could have helped with funeral costs and everything else. Soooo, I'm just wishing and hoping that people will pour out to us and really show their compassion like they have...have been sending the letters and the emails."

Again, let me get this straight. You brag about spending money in Vegas all of the time. Next thing out of your mouth is how you hope that people will (and I'm using your words here, cupcake) "pour out to us" just like they've been doing when they send "the letters and the emails". Are you dry shaving me? You piss away all of the money and now you want people to not just help you out, you want them to pour money to you? I don't think that's such a good idea. Tell me something, didn't it cross your teeny, tiny little brain that if Gary couldn't get life insurance, then there should be some sort of ::: gasp! ::: saving going on over there? You know...saving? It's where you don't spend!!

And it's probably not a real good idea to get me started on funeral costs. For those of you kind enough to have followed this blog after the predictable demise of Corey Haim, I pointed out that you don't need a lot of money to bury someone. A little cremation and an urn can be had for under $1,000. And you can get a swell cremains plot (still oogs me out that they call them that) for under $1,000 as well. Don't be spouting off that you need thousands and thousand of dollars for burial costs. That's just a bunch of crap right there.

In another part of the interview, she begins to wax poetic about...something. It's very odd. You know how you can put your iPod on "Shuffle" and it just plays songs at random? I think that she put her vocabulary on "Shuffle" because she was just spouting word salad there for about a minute and a half. It begins...like this...

"I mean (puts her head down like she dropped a quarter or something), I mean, I feel bad you know, for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan because they're so under the microscope. But, you know, I mean at the same time, I don't have any remorse for Lindsay. She parties all the time, you know? She's the one who makes herself look bad. You know, I...I...I used to really respect her because she had red hair and she was so cute in "Parent Trap" and stuff like that." Um...what now?

She feels bad. No, wait! She doesn't feel bad. But she...wait. She used to respect Lindsay Lohan because she had red hair? Did I hear that correctly? You base your respect of people based on hair color? Man, you must idolize Carrot Top. Seriously, what in the hell was she talking about. What do Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have to do with her husband falling down and cracking open his dome?

"But like I said, I think that Gary would have been a good role model. Because he's not into drugs. He wasn't seeny like that. (Yes, I know I typed "seeny". I listened to it four times. She said "seeny". Not "seedy". Seeny. Clearly, her linguistic abilities did not play much of a part in why he married her.) He would go out to restaurants and, you know, do his thing. (He would go to restaurants and do his thing? What sort of a thing was that? Eat? That's my thing when I go to restaurants. I eat.) You know, and live his life. But he didn't want to be a part of...he didn't want to be friends with celebrities. He told me that. He was like I don't want to be in Hollywood."

She doesn't specify just who Gary could have been a good role model to. I certainly can't picture him being a good role model for Lindsay, only because I really can't see the two of them hanging out long enough for him to be a role model. And how many times was it that he was arrested for assault? At least twice, right? Hmmm...so she can't mean that his temperament was good role model material. He was a mall cop for a while. Would he have been a good role model for shorter statured mall cops? Hard to say. Hard. To. Say.

Let's wrap this up here. "And...I really respect the guy that he didn't want to be friends with celebrities. (long pause) Because a lot of them have issues. I mean, they have everything in the world, but a lot of them want to commit suicide. (long pause) You know, they just have a negative outlook on a lot of things."

Wow. She has the ability to look deep within the soul of celebrities and tell the world what's really going on in there. How does she know this, exactly? She seems to have the facts skewed just a little bit. See, Gary would have liked to have stayed in Hollywood. But Hollywood sort of chewed him up and spit him out a long time ago. There's a reason the little dude was so angry all of the time and that had a lot to do with it.

If you are thinking about sending money to this nutjob or if you know someone who is thinking about sending money to this nutjob, do I have a deal for you! Since you clearly have more money than you know what to do with, I'd like to propose that you send the exact same amount to me. It'll go to good use. I promise! I mean, I'm sure that I would enjoy getting pampered in Vegas and buying all sort of high end stuff! Seriously. I don't have a really short husband with kidney failure who died after he fell and I couldn't be troubled by the mess of the blood to go downstairs and help him or anything, but I swear that I'm worth at least every penny that anyone would consider sending to Shannon Price.

Now That's A Tat!

It's been a while since we've taken a gander at some of the best of the worst that tattoos have to offer. I think it's time to remedy that a bit. Here we go....

This is something on top of someone's leg. I don't know what it is. It sort of looks like a double ended penis. And while I can't really say that that's what is, I also can't say for sure that it's not. It could easily go either way. Flip a coin. Let me know which one it is.

Speaking of penises, I'm kind of thinking that the one below is fake. It looks awfully Magic Marker-y to me. Then again, judging from the expression on the guy's face, he doesn't look like the most stable of all individuals. Thus, a real penis tattoo is not out of the realm of possibilities at all.

Speaking of strange tattoos of small things that I don't understand, here is a Gary Coleman tattoo on someone's left buttock side cheek area. The thing that is just a little bit more perplexing to me than someone wanting a HUGE tattoo of Gary Coleman on their ass-lear region is why someone has a weird black and white cut out photo of Gary Coleman stuck to a tongue depressor.

Next, we have a man who seems to be really unclear on the concept of what it is that ladies love. Granted, there are an awful lot of ladies out there and there are an awful lot of different things that they all love, but I think it's pretty safe for me to say that I highly doubt that any of them are going to love that.

Sure. That's how the days go. 1st. 2nd. 3th. Wait. What?

Clearly, this was not thought out very well. Once she's given birth to that baby elephant (I'm guessing, based solely on the size there) or herd of gazelles (again, still speculating) that "THUNDERDOME" tattoo is going to look a little silly. That is, unless she plans on continuing her enormous carriage weight there.

Oh, if only a little bit more patience had been practiced here, one might have taken the time to consult a dictionary and figure out how to spell correctly. And what is with the weird "e" floating about the "n" there? Is that an arrow pointing to the "n"? In case I lost it?

The sad part about these tattoos is that there are apparently two different individuals involved here. That means that not one, but two people thought that this would be a good idea. It's like a permanent ink version of the medallion broken in two halves that each tool wears. And while I think that everything is spelled correctly, it's really hard to tell because you can barely read the damned things. I'm sure that every ending does have a new beginning. This is the end of them not being made fun of and the beginning of relentless teasing and probably celibacy.

Sure. Having "F*** You" tattooed where your eyebrows are supposed to be is completely appropriate. No, it's not off-putting at all. In fact, I'd be surprised if prospective employers weren't lining up outside of your prison cell for a chance to hire you. Seriously, what is wrong with you, sir?

And for the last time, Y-O-U apostrophe R-E spells "you are". Y-O-U-R spells your!