Jail Isn't The Only Punishment

There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there. Some of the crazy is the kind where the person absolutely can do something to help themselves. And the other kind of crazy is the kind where the person absolutely needs some serious freaking help. And in situations where no one else is really overly harmed, I don't think that there needs to be much more of a penalty than getting the person some serious, and I mean freaking serious, help.

Take the case of a one Bethany Storro. About a month ago, she looked like this:

She's a fairly attractive woman in that photo. I don't know that from looking at that photo (or any photo, for that matter) that you'd be able to tell that she is one seriously disturbed individual. I say that because after August 30, she looked like this:

Yeah, see the facial disfigurement that you're witnessing there came from what she claimed was a black, female stranger coming up to her on the street and throwing acid in her face. Ouchie! She said that a woman who she didn't know came up to her on the street and said something to the effect of, "Hey, pretty girl. Do you want to drink this?" The alleged woman then allegedly threw an extremely caustic substance in Ms. Storro's face. The burning off of her skin did immediately commence.

And yes, that sounds like a tragic tale. Many people thought the same thing and the donations came pouring in to the tune of around $28,000. People can be really giving and generous at times. They can also get seriously pissed off when they find out that the person that they are giving money to staged the whole thing herself and doused her own face with acid. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Storro has admitted to throwing acid in her own face and making up the entire story. According to the Daily Mail (why I can't find this particular bit of information in US media sources would be simply stupefying if I hadn't already come to grips with the fact that the media blows), Ms. Storro "...had poured the drain clogging chemicals on her own face after buying it from a DIY store." So, she burned her facial skin off with Drano, essentially? Seriously. What the what?

See what I mean? She's not well. And here's where the thing gets just a little complicated. (Not much, mind you. Just a little.) See, she took those $28,000 in donations and began spending it on herself and her family. Yeah, you can't do that when you're lying about stuff. It's really frowned upon. She allegedly bought a computer, some clothes, train tickets (people still take trains?), and took her family out for expensive meals. Kind of odd behavior (if you're asking me) from someone whose face was allegedly just ruined in a random, hideous attack by a stranger.

I'm guessing it was behavior such as that which sort of clued the cops in that there might be something more to this. That and the fact that the patterns in which the acid had scarred her face were not consistent with something being splashed upon her. And when she finally confessed that she made the whole thing up, that's exactly what the deal was. It hadn't been splashed. It had been dabbed on, as "...Miss Storro told police her original plan was to commit suicide, but she changed her mind as she dabbed the acid on her face."

Holy freaking hell. How on earth could you stand the pain of having just a little acid dabbed anywhere on your body?! Then again, how on earth could you think that dabbing acid on your face would kill you? I don't know either, but when she realized that she had chosen the wrong suicidal path, "She allegedly told police: ‘When I realised it wasn’t killing me, I thought maybe this was the answer to all my problems - to have a completely different face." Turns out, it was just the beginning of her problems, though she did accomplish her goal of a completely different face.

As is the case with most instances that are completely inexplicable (totally without splick), she thought that she was smarter than everyone else. She told the police, "I thought there would be no evidence of me doing it to myself. I thought that you guys would give up trying to find the person and it would be done." Wow. Not a lot of faith in the long arm of the law. Does she not follow any news at all? If a bunny rabbit gets a blister on its paw and it makes the news, people send in donations like there is no tomorrow. Of course it isn't going to go away that easily.

Because Ms. Storro used the funds that were collected under the guise of her poorly thought out ruse, that amounts to what is called 'theft by deception' and she was charged with three felony counts of it. My question here is: Is that really necessary? Look, I understand that it is not OK at all to take advantage of the inherently good nature of a lot of people. Does this really need to go through the legal system? Can't she just be committed to a mental hospital/facility for quite some time? She is obviously in need of some intense treatment for some severe mental issues. What good is dragging this through the courts going to do? I could see it if she was one of those scumbags who claim to have cancer and then the entire town holds a myriad of bake sales and the person turns out to not have cancer at all and has spent all of the proceeds on a new double wide trailer. Those people need be dealt with by an angry mob of the people that they ripped off. But this woman? Come on. Really?

I don't know how long it will take to treat a woman with the issues that Ms. Storro obviously has, but I hope it takes a really long ass time. I hope that the folks at the facility that she has already checked herself into are going to recognize the extreme depths of her problems and treat her accordingly (unlike the dolts at UCLA who let Lindsay Lohan out after a couple of weeks and said that she doesn't have a substance abuse problem). Make her return the money that she spent and drop the charges. Trust me, she'll be punished for the rest of her life having to live her life as herself. It's never going to be easy from here on out. Isn't that enough? I think that in this case that it probably is.

Meat Lady Gaga

Usually after some awards show, I spend an entire blog post going through what various celebritards wore on the barely eventful evening. And especially after an awards show like MTV's Video Music Awards, I usually have plenty of material. But this time, strangely, and sadly, not so much. People were actually dressed fairly nicely and fairly normally. What's up with that?! Fortunately, however, there was one outfit that gives me plenty of material to cover the entire post in and of it's entirety. I present to you Lady Gaga and her meat dress. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That, as I implied so cleverly above, is a meat dress. It's a dress. And it is made out of meat. Need I say more? I think I do need to say more. But before I do, let's try and get to the bottom of this, shall we? Why would anyone, even someone as eclectic as Lady Gaga, wear a dress made out of meat? Even after she has answered this question, it's still a bit unclear.

According to the fine folks over there at the NY Daily News, Lady Gaga said "...she wasn't making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military...". Wait. What now? Gay rights? In the military? That has to do with wearing a meat suit? How...how is that?

She didn't go on to make it much more clear, adding, "If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones...And I am not a piece of meat." Wow. I'm going to have to take that apart one crazy item at a time. I'd like to think that the meat on my bones does have rights. After all, I have rights. So, therefore, doesn't that mean that my meat, which comprises me, has the same rights? Even if it doesn't mean that, I don't see how wearing the flesh of a dead cow is going to help that. I might help get me a prescription for some Xanax, but I'm not so sure about more rights.

As for her not being a piece of meat, I don't ever like to think of people as "pieces of meat". But does she really expect people to not think of her in that manner when she tends to perform dressed like this:

And this:

Or even like this:

All of those outfits are kind of pieces of meat-ish. Is that how it should be? I don't know if it can be any different if you're looking like that. I'm not saying that it's good or bad (I am saying that it's a little freaking weird, though), I'm just saying what does she expect?


The NY Daily News asked a butcher for his opinion on this freak show and he made the assessment that, all in all, she probably had about a hundred dollars of meat there in which to make her dress, her purse and her hat. (Yes, there was a purse and a hat. No word on what was in the purse. A friend of mine guessed that there were bacon bits and an egg timer, for whatever that is worth.) The butcher said, "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks...The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head." There's a sentence I never thought I'd type. On top of her head? Yes. On top of her head. Behold!

Good Lord...OK, look, this is what she does. She's sooooo outrageous. Or something like that. And I don't care what she does. It is entertaining and at least she has the musical pipes to back up stuff like this. But I wills say that I'm a little disappointed at her lack of creativity with the meat get-up. Come on...only one kind of meat? What sort of meat outfit is that?! Jazz it up a little bit! Have a necklace made out of sausage links! Make shoes out of pigs feet! Wear a bra made out of chicken breasts! What about a hot dog belt? She's really limiting herself to only the cow. I expect more out of my freakish pop-stars these days. I really do.

Punk'd - Iraqi Style

American reality shows are brainless, but at least they're somewhat amusing. There's a small slice of entertainment that can come from them. Come on, American Idol? Dancing With The Washed Up Stars? America Has Weird Talent? So You Think You Can Dance, But You Really Can't? They take our mind off of our problems or our daily lives. They remind us how lucky we are that we're not on some dumbass show like that. Most importantly, they remind us how lucky we are that we're not a celebrity in Iraq experiencing the equivalent of Punk'd, only instead of a wacky incident taking place, they plant fake bombs in celebrities’ cars, have an Iraqi army checkpoint find them and terrify the celebrities into thinking that they are headed for maximum security prison or execution. Wait. That's a TV show?

Correct. That is a TV show. In Iraq. For the purpose of entertainment. I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea, but someone did. According to the NY Times, the show is called "Put Him in [Camp] Bucca”. And in case you were wondering, Camp Bucca is "...the large American-built high-security prison ...that held thousands of Iraqi detainees and was closed in September 2009." Sounds charming. And of course, hilarious. Uh, or not.

And really, if it's laughs that you're looking for, that's all you need to justify something as horrible as this. According to the producers of this insanity, "...the show was entertainment, that it made people laugh and that no one had gotten hurt." Right. No problem. Because what's really funny is that these poor people really thought that they had a serious chance of going to prison for the rest of their lives and/or possibly being executed. Hysterical.

The set-up goes something like this: A celebrity is "...invited to the headquarters of the private television station Al Baghdadia to be interviewed, but en route to the station a fake bomb would be planted in their car while they were being searched by Iraqi soldiers". But the fun is only just beginning! As the clandestine filming continues (a la Candid Camera or anything else with a hidden camera), the viewer gets to enjoy the reaction of the celebrities as the bogus guards at the checkpoint shout such hilarities at them such as as: “Why do you want to blow us up?” “You are a terrorist.” “How much did they pay you to do it? You will be executed.” Does it get any better than that? I can't imagine.

Look, I know that things are tough in Iraq, but this doesn't exactly seem like the best place to go to for a little humor. It would be one thing if the show was depicting a scenario that was completely unrealistic or unbelievable or something like that. But, sadly, it depicts a scenario that could actually occur. You could actually be thrown in jail for the rest of your life or executed for appearing like you're trying to blow something up (ie, having a bomb in tow) in Iraq. At the very least, can you imagine the fear that would go through someone who knew that there was something seriously wrong, yet still knew that even a misunderstanding could get them imprisoned for Allah only knows how long before things get all straightened out?! IF they ever did get straightened out!

This program is supposed to air during Ramadan, which happens to go on for like a month. The ironic part is that, according to the maybe right, maybe not-so-right, Wikipedia, during Ramadan, one is supposed to "...pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds." That show doesn't sound like it does that quite so much. It kind of sounds like it does absolutely the opposite of that. Then again, during Ramadan, they're also supposed to "refrain from eating, drinking and sexual relations from dawn until sunset". Sounds like a heck of a holiday. Maybe "Put Him In [Camp] Bucca" is supposed to help relieve some of the frustrations that must arise during that time, regardless of the irony. Hey! If it takes watching a man fear that he will be executed for something that he did not do in order to cheer those folks up, so be it!

What's Cookin' On Labor Day?

It's Labor Day and that means picnics and barbecues if you're into that sort of thing. And if you're not into that sort of thing, then it simply means that it's Monday. But as I thought of all of the great grub that can be had at your typical American Labor Day feast, it made me really glad that I don't live in other countries where the grub isn't what I would call quite so great. I'm sure these countries are fine places to visit, but I can't that I'd want to live there with some of these items on the menus.

Take Peru, for example. Every year, they hold a festival dedicated to the guinea pig. And when I say "dedicated", I mean dedicated. Dedicated as in that's what they're cooking and serving up. Behold!

It's called cuy. Pronounce that however you'd like whilst you're trying not to gag. Maybe I would find it to be a little more appetizing if it wasn't just dumped in the fryer all whole like that. I don't want my food to have a face that can look at me. Ever. Nor do I want my food to have a discernible tail. Behold!

Served at a wild game restaurant in Guangzhou, China, those would be cooked field rats. I have no idea what the sauce or the outer coating on them is or is supposed to be. I am curious as to what purpose the tail serves. Is it like a built in stick, so you can eat 'em like a state fair food? I don't get it. Nor do I want it. Other things I don't want on or in my food? One of those things would be more than two legs. Behold!

Those would be deep fried spiders being sold in Vietnam. According to The Daily Telegraph, "... The fist-sized arachnids are crunchy on the outside and taste like cold, gooey chicken on the inside." An excellent description, though I'm not sure that I know what cold, gooey chicken tastes like, nor do I know why I would want to. They are 10 for two dollars which is quite a bargain. Still seems a little bit steep for me, however. Then again, any price to eat a deep fried spider seems like it would be too much for me. And it also seems like it would be a steep price for me to pay for anything this grotesque that is packaged in a can. Say, like these silkworm pupae that come in a can in Korea. Behold!

OK, see, I was going to say something about the "foods" before this one that alluded to there possibly not being a lot to eat in those countries and so they make do on what they have. But this kind of kills that theory. You would have to go out of your way to have this. It's not like you could just find the critters out in the barn like you could those field mice. (OK, fine. Out in the field. You knew what I meant!) That's just gross. Even with the sparkly toothpicks, they're just gross. You know what else is gross that sparkly toothpicks likely wouldn't help to be more palatable? Fish mouths! Wait. Yes, you heard me. Fish mouths. Behold!

What kind of fish have teeth like those?! No fish that I am aware of! Certainly not anything that is fit for consumption. Do you eat those little teeth things as well? I guess if you're at the point where you're already eating fish mouths, a few teeth aren't going to bother you much. I guess it would kind of be like if you were eating a cookie full of wasps, their little wings wouldn't bother you much either. Behold!

That would be what is called a digger wasp rice cracker. It is also called Jibachi Senbei. Neither terminology is going to make it look any better to me. Apparently, how this atrocity came to be was when "A Japanese fan club for wasps has added the insects to rice crackers, saying the result adds a delicious scent to the traditional fare." I don't want bugs in my food simply for a "delicious scent". No, thanks. And who has a fan club where the thing that you're a fan of becomes your lunch? If it was a Hello Kitty fan club, would they have kitten cookies with real kittens? It frightens me to think of what the answer to that might actually be.

And finally, just for something completely whack-a-do that really makes me glad that any chicken I might consume on Labor Day will be prepared on a grill and not in the fashion in which a restaurant in China prepares their chickens. That is, the fashion in which they kill the chicken involves having a snake bite its neck. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? It's just like what it looks like it is. It's a snake biting the neck of a chicken so that the chicken can be served in a dish called (wait for it) Snake-bit Chicken. Catchy, no? No. Now, I don't know if this is prominent all over China, but it was the specialty fare for at least one restaurant last year. The restaurant "...defended the controversial practice...saying the resulting dish was healthy and kept the customers flooding in". How is that healthy? Couldn't a chicken that did NOT have to be bitten by a snake be just as healthy? I'm thinking it might be MORE healthy to have it done that way. You know, without all of the snake and without all of the biting. You know what else I think? I think I'm going to be very thankful for whatever is being grilled around here for Labor Day.

I Think I Understand, Mel

Oh, Mel. Mel, Mel, Mel. What have you done now? What hasn't he done? Well, what hasn't he said is probably a better question. Mel Gibson is kind of on the outs with his Russian hottie that he left his wife of almost 30 years for. Yeah, "on the outs" is kind of an understatement. He has completely lost his mind. And look, I'm going to get into this in more detail in a couple of days, but I'm going to say this right now. I've listened to the tapes that his Russian hottie made of him screaming at her on the phone. Yes, he sounds like a crazed lunatic. Yes, in one of them, he sounds like he's on a Stairmaster because he's breathing so hard. Yes, I found it hilarious that he wants someone to make his bed. All of those statements are true. But I'm just going to say this right now: I think I understand. I'm not saying he's right. I'm certainly not saying that it is justified. I'm absolutely not saying that he had the right to say anything that he said to her in the manner that he said it. But if she's the gold digger that I think that she is (and that Mel, somehow, was oblivious to), I understand why he's pissed.

The audio of his rants are below. They're courtesy of the nosy folks over there at Radar Online. Someone has to do this, I guess.

Mel Screaming Part One
Mel Screaming Part Deux
Mel Screaming Part Three
Mel Screaming Part Four
Mel Screaming Part Five

Hairy, Nipple-less Models in Berlin

I've never understood fashion shows. It's mainly because the stuff that they're showcasing always seems so unfashionable to me. Hats that are four feet wide. Space boots with a 9-inch stiletto heel. Men wearing plaid skorts. I always look at the stuff and can never think of anyone who would wear it, nor any situation in which it could be worn. Things were a little different this time at Berlin Fashion Week, but not in a way that helped me warm up to any of the ensembles that were displayed.

This time, a one Patrick Mohr came up with outfits that I found to be something that someone might actually wear in real life. It's just unfortunate that he chose to have them go down the catwalk being clad on someone who I don't even think exists in real life. At least, I pray that they don't exist in real life. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to say, exactly. It appears to be a slightly anorexic albino woman who has misplaced her nipples. She also seems to be in desperate need of a Schick razor. A hat wouldn't hurt. I doubt it would help much, but it certainly couldn't hurt. I'm not sure what look he was going for, but he did it for all of his items at this particular show. Behold!

Hmmm. I see a trend. Still rather anorexic looking. Definitely still bald. Obviously still sporting feline-like whiskers for some reason. But again, wearing something that could be worn by a regular person. Which further asks the question as to why he felt the need to have such an irregular person wearing the items. Are there more? Of course there are! Did you really think I'd stop after only two? Behold!

Yes, yes, it seems fairly clear that this is definitely a look that he is going for. The baldness. The overgrown facial hair. The presumably absent nipples. It's very clear that it's intentional. What isn't so clear is why it's intentional.

It's inexplicable. (Completely without splick!) In the one below, he seems to have added a skull cap...and part of a skull! It's like the he-she is from another planet. One that appears to be warm and requires a nice airy tank top in order to stay cool.

But do you see what I'm saying about the clothing being pretty normal? Usually, the clothing at these types of shows are anything but normal. And don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm saying that the models that these shows are usually normal. Because we all know that they're not. But at least they have hair! And at least they also appear to have shaved sometime during the past twelve months. Unless the he-she below who appears to have sprouted a full grown beard, sideburns and a moustache to compliment the abnormally long, cat-like whiskers. I don't know what the message is that Patrick is trying to send, but it I wish he'd send it with a little more hair on the top of the head and a little less hair on the sides of the head. And while he's at it, could he put their nipples back? That would help. Because the way that he has these models looking is a little unnerving is what it is.

Still Dead!

The one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death was Friday and it was, in keeping with the theme of his life, a little weird. Let me just say that there are a lot of people out there who really need hobbies. Or jobs. It's kind of hard to tell, but I'm guessing that the latter would mostly be the case.

I'm going to start over there at Forest Lawn Cemetery where Jacko is entombed. They have him in some drawer in one of the crypt walls over there. I don't know exactly how it all works, but I do know that it seems like the reason for that sort of interment was to avoid having his location become a constant freak show. This way, it's inside a building and you need some sort of permission or sparkly glove or small child in order to get in.

Now, the media was treating this like it was going to be some sort of big event. And considering there was a substantial article over there at the still going strong LA Times (nice job, guys!), I was under the impression that there would be some hooplah. Yeah, not so much. According to the article, "About 30 fans lined up early Friday morning outside Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale to visit Michael Jackson's grave site on the one-year anniversary of his death." Thirty? And what purpose were they serving by lining up early? It's not like he's going anywhere. How early? Why, 3am, of course! If you are lining up at three in the morning so that you can wait until eight in the morning before you can get into a cemetery and not see someone that you never met (and now never will), you need to check yourself. Seriously. You people know that there aren't iPhones in there, right?

After reading the article in the LA Times I was really wanting to know one thing: What were those people expecting to happen? They seemed to be surprised and not all that impressed with the nothing that was made available to them. "After the gates opened, fans were granted limited access at the mausoleum where Jackson is buried...As they passed, they were permitted to hand flowers and cards to cemetery personnel. Once they passed that point, they were asked to move along. Some said they were disappointed at the level of access." Did anyone tell them that he was still dead?

I don't think that they did. One crazy person fan, had asked an attendant, "This is it?" (Probably no pun intended there.) "This is terrible." I'm failing to understand what it is that's so terrible for this woman. The woman said "...she has traveled to the cemetery six times from her home in Atlanta." SIX times?! The man has only been dead a year! And I think that he's only been in the mausoleum for 11 months! She's traveled the equivalent of once every other month from clear across the country? For what exactly? I have no clue. "As she walked through the line, she said Jackson was actually on the opposite side of the mausoleum." Well, I guess that the lady who has been there six times in less than a year would probably know. But she expressed her expectations when she said "I was hoping we would get to go in and see Michael." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: I don't think he's seeing visitors today. Perhaps come back another time...not that he'll be any less dead.

Another unbalanced individual, a one Irene Childs from the Bay Area, "...said she was unhappy with the security personnel at the cemetery. "They were too pushy. There should have been more viewing time." What exactly was she viewing? It's not like they wheeled his corpse out there for everyone to gawk at. What was she hoping for, exactly? A meet and greet?

But the winner for the individual who could probably benefit the most from a little time on a shrink's couch would be a one 31-year old (and in need of growing up) Tallora Digirolami, who came all the way from freaking Australia because "I couldn't be here last year, so I had to be here this year." Couldn't be there when he died, so you had to be there a year later? You know, if you couldn't have made it this year, you would have had many opportunities to show up on the anniversary of his death, as I anticipate him being dead for quite some time now!

And of course, there were people dressed AS Michael Jackson. Why do people do that? They did it at the memorial service as well. People showed up dressed like Jacko. I've been to a lot of funerals in my time. I've visited a lot of cemeteries on the anniversary of someone's death before as well. I have never attended either function dressed as the deceased. It's never even crossed my mind to do so! It's a little weird if you're asking me. When I go down to check on my Dad's gravesite, I don't don a bolo tie, coke bottle glasses and a wide brimmed hat! Why are people dressed like Jacko?

In Tokyo, a fan appears to have brought a picnic basket to some big wall painting of Jacko and is taking her (I think it's a her) picture in front of it. She's kind of striking that same Jacko pose, but the lime green cover on the picnic basket really detracts from that. There's also the fact that she looks nothing like him, but don't ever expect logic or reality to deter Michael Jackson fanatics.

And in India, a bunch of young fans apparently lit birthday candles around what appears to be some sort of decorative sheet or banner emblazoned with images of Jacko while they all knelt and prayed. Upon closer examination of the photo, I hope that they are praying for some sort of solid flooring, as those candles are just stuck upright directly into the ground.

I still feel just as cheated today as I felt a year ago. Those concerts of his were going to be the gift that kept on giving. I could feel it! I was practically guaranteed to have awesome blog material for months on end. And what did I get? Nothing. Oh, don't get me wrong. The folks showing up at Forest Lawn hoping for a chance to see Jacko are amusing. But they're nothing even close to what those concerts would have been. Not even close.