Hairy, Nipple-less Models in Berlin

I've never understood fashion shows. It's mainly because the stuff that they're showcasing always seems so unfashionable to me. Hats that are four feet wide. Space boots with a 9-inch stiletto heel. Men wearing plaid skorts. I always look at the stuff and can never think of anyone who would wear it, nor any situation in which it could be worn. Things were a little different this time at Berlin Fashion Week, but not in a way that helped me warm up to any of the ensembles that were displayed.

This time, a one Patrick Mohr came up with outfits that I found to be something that someone might actually wear in real life. It's just unfortunate that he chose to have them go down the catwalk being clad on someone who I don't even think exists in real life. At least, I pray that they don't exist in real life. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to say, exactly. It appears to be a slightly anorexic albino woman who has misplaced her nipples. She also seems to be in desperate need of a Schick razor. A hat wouldn't hurt. I doubt it would help much, but it certainly couldn't hurt. I'm not sure what look he was going for, but he did it for all of his items at this particular show. Behold!

Hmmm. I see a trend. Still rather anorexic looking. Definitely still bald. Obviously still sporting feline-like whiskers for some reason. But again, wearing something that could be worn by a regular person. Which further asks the question as to why he felt the need to have such an irregular person wearing the items. Are there more? Of course there are! Did you really think I'd stop after only two? Behold!

Yes, yes, it seems fairly clear that this is definitely a look that he is going for. The baldness. The overgrown facial hair. The presumably absent nipples. It's very clear that it's intentional. What isn't so clear is why it's intentional.

It's inexplicable. (Completely without splick!) In the one below, he seems to have added a skull cap...and part of a skull! It's like the he-she is from another planet. One that appears to be warm and requires a nice airy tank top in order to stay cool.

But do you see what I'm saying about the clothing being pretty normal? Usually, the clothing at these types of shows are anything but normal. And don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm saying that the models that these shows are usually normal. Because we all know that they're not. But at least they have hair! And at least they also appear to have shaved sometime during the past twelve months. Unless the he-she below who appears to have sprouted a full grown beard, sideburns and a moustache to compliment the abnormally long, cat-like whiskers. I don't know what the message is that Patrick is trying to send, but it I wish he'd send it with a little more hair on the top of the head and a little less hair on the sides of the head. And while he's at it, could he put their nipples back? That would help. Because the way that he has these models looking is a little unnerving is what it is.

There are some things out there that are just so idiotic, I have a hard time blaming the folks who create them. I mean, if there is a niche market to sell things to the moronic, then shouldn't it be taken advantage of by some conniving capitalist? A fool and his money...? You know, stuff like that. And let me tell you, I've heard a lot of really stupid ideas. I've read about a lot of really stupid ideas. But I think I've come across one that might be an all time winner. I mean, after all, if you're going to make a jam that allegedly contains the human hair of a deceased former member of royalty and then use that ingredient as the main selling point, you deserve some sort of prize. Nothing monetary, of course. I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior. But maybe just a medal or a trophy that isn't too shiny.

What's that? Oh, right! The hair jam. Did I not mention? Let's see.....idiots...fools...money...hair...no. No, it looks like I did not mention it. My apologies. Here's the scoop: See, there's a guy who claims that he has made some jam (yes, the delicious condiment and accompaniment of things like toast and PB&J sandwiches) which contains the hair of Princess Diana. That's right. Her hair. IN the jam. Um, if I find hair in my jam, I want nothing more than to remove it. This guy is making the jam with the hair in it on purpose! What the what?

According to the folks over there at CBS News, a one Sam Bompas (aka, the con man masquerading as an artist) has created a jam called "occult jam". And according to The Huffington Post, said jam is made by "...infusing a tiny speck of the late princess of Wales' hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk." Wait. What? Milk? Sugar? Condensed milk? And GIN?? Let's just put the issue of the hair aside for a moment here and talk about the jam itself. Since when is something resembling condensed milk considered to be a jam? I thought jam was made out of fruit. Lots and lots of fruit! There's no milk in my jam! Is this a British thing? Or an alcoholic thing? What's with the gin?

Whatever it is, we're going to have to revisit the hair issue eventually, so we might as well do it now. According to The Huffington Post, "The hair was bought on eBay for $10 from a U.S. dealer who collects what he says is celebrity hair and sells it in extremely tiny parts." Uh-huh. Sure it is. It's her hair. Uh-huh. Yeah. OK. (Why couldn't I have thought of that scam first? Why?!) A hair dealer. Man, I'll give that guy some credit. That's as brilliant as it is asinine.

But why put it in jam? That still isn't all that clear to me. Obviously, it's a gimmick. The jam sells for $7.60 a jar (no word on how big the jar is), but I have no idea how many of these jars of jam with fake Princess hair in them are available. Not that it would matter, I'm just saying. I guess maybe I'm wondering what the monetary opportunity is going to be for ol' Bompas. I'm hoping that there's only like one or two jars available. I'd hate to think that there are throngs of folks out there just clamoring for this sort of thing. That would make me sad. And suicidal.

As far as why he decided to make the fake Princess hair jam, "Bompas said he decided to make the bizarre product to provoke people into thinking about food marketing and how language enhances the everyday eating experience". The only way that this makes me think about food marketing is to the effect of "I really hope I don't find hair in any of my food today." And as for language enhancing some sort of experience? Perhaps. "Holy s***! There's hair in this jam?! Get outta here! Princess Diana's! What moron came up with that?" Huh. He was right. That did enhance this whole experience.