Welcome Back, Charlie Sheen!

I love me a daily tale of some on-the-edge celebrity who does something ridiculous AGAIN and then has a publicist issue the lamest of all excuses as to what went wrong. Today's continuing disaster is Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen is an interesting example of how one can choose to live their life, handle the consequences and still come out on top. The guy is the highest paid actor in television. Granted, Two And A Half Men is a hilarious show, but it is so hilarious that Charlie deserves to be paid somewhere between $1.10 million and $1.5 million per episode? I wouldn't really think so, but I'm not in charge of that stuff.

The best part of the exorbitant amount of money that he makes is that he earns it by playing a character that is, in essence, himself. And "himself" is a womanizing, drinking, crass, immature, clueless guy. Oh, he's also the guy who holds a knife to his wife's throat and threatens to kill her on Christmas. Allegedly. He's a peach, that Charlie.

The thing is that he "gets away" with all of this because he doesn't pretend to be anything else. That is who he is and he seems to be rather proud of it. Apparently, that is all that we (as society) are looking for in a public figure. Just be who you are and don't deny it and we'll put up with just about anything. Now, if you're Tiger Woods and you're pretending to be this upstanding family man, all the while you're sleeping with every roadside coffee shop waitress that you can find, the public doesn't like that very much. But don't deny that fact that you're Charlie Sheen and we'll not only watch your show every week, we'll cheer you on while we're doing it.

But if you're the kind of guy who holds a knife to his wife's throat on Christmas, it's only a matter of time before we hear of more of your antics. And antics, they have surface. According to the huffy folks over there at The Huffington Post "Charlie Sheen was hospitalized Tuesday for a psychiatric evaluation after a woman told police he was throwing furniture and yelling in his hotel room". Of course he was. Awesome.

Now, when law enforcement showed up around 2am, "...Sheen appeared highly intoxicated". You don't say?! Really?! HIGHLY intoxicated? Huh. Who'd a thunk it? Well, if you're his publicist, a one thinking we were all born yesterday Mr. Stan Rosenfeld, no one would think that his appearing "highly intoxicated" would be a factor in what "really" happened. Yeah, see, according to him, "Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital." Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Yes, I'd say that it must have been a very adverse reaction to cause him to strip completely naked and start throwing furniture around. Good Lord, that really is adverse. Is there some sort of a warning label on the side of his medication that indicates that is something to look out for? You know, "Serious side effects, including dizziness, shortness of breath, lack of an erection, an erection lasting more than four hours, blurry vision, blood clots, stroke, and/or stripping naked and throwing furniture in your hotel room may occur. Consult your physician immediately if you experience any of these symptoms while taking this medication." Yeah, I'm not thinking that's what it says.

And you know that his being naked and throwing furniture around are only a few of the details of what really happened. And if those are the details that we're privy to at the moment, it's only going to get better when more details are released! Awesome. I can't wait. I love me a train wreck.

...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

From the files of "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved", we have this tale from somewhere called Spartanburg County, South Carolina: A woman stole a sandwich from McDonald's. How she stole it will shock you gross you out.

According to WYFF4.com, a woman bought two sandwiches and two small coffees. That seems reasonable. What does not seem reasonable is that after she bought them and after she received them, she took one of the sandwiches and shoved it down the front of her pants. Wait. What?

That's right. Shoved it down her pants. For the purpose of what, you ask? Why, for the purpose of getting a free sandwich, of course. See, her story was that "...her order had been shorted" and "...the employees owed her a free one". Granted, the employees were right there. It's not like it was all that hard to figure out what went on. It was probably a little harder to figure out why it went on, however.

Anyway, as these crazy people tend to do, this woman, a one Lori Turner, became loud (ie, swearing). In fact, "The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s." Wow. OK, lady. Calm down. Or something. Actually, what say you take that sandwich out of your pants and then you calm down, OK? First things first. Oh, and by the way, this woman looks just like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

See? When the officer took the woman outside, he "...said he could see a large grease stain on the front of her pants." Yeah, McDonald's isn't exactly the healthiest place to be pilfering items to shove down your trousers, that's for sure. Maybe if she were stealing sushi rolls or something she would have gotten away with it. But not with the telltale grease stain from the golden arches. No way. And of course, grease stain and all, the woman "...denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search her." Gross. Whoever that female officer was deserves some sort of bonus or day off or something for being called in for that duty. Fortunately for that female officer, "Turner pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car." Finally.

Naturally, she "...continued to shout profanities and smelled of alcohol". I'm dying to know what she was saying. I can only imagine. I just don't understand this entire scenario at all. I mean, she clearly had enough money for two sandwiches and two coffees. As far as I can tell, she was by herself. She couldn't have maybe only ordered one coffee and three sandwiches. And why are they calling them 'sandwiches'. They're burgers, aren't they? I don't think of a sandwich as something that is going to leave a grease stain when I shove it down the front of my pants. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don't do things like that. On weekdays.)

But of all of these intricacies that perplex me, here's the one that I really can't fathom: "The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a trespassing order." The trespassing order I get. The refunding of her money?! What is up with that?! Why would they give her money back? Were they not paying attention? The sandwich was IN HER PANTS! It's hers! She paid for it. She received it. She put it in her pants. There should be no refunding of anything! You can't just put some McDonald's down your pants and not expect to pay for it. Granted, I'm sure that she's paying for this in more ways than one, but you see what I'm saying, right? Good.

No Eel Zone

Today's lesson is (unfortunately) one in human anatomy. And while anatomy can be a complicated subject at times, this lesson is quite simple. You probably won't even need to take notes. It's one concept and it's so basic I can't believe I even need to go over it here. But, of course, there was an...incident. And I felt that it warranted a wee bit of discussion. Ready? Here we go. Today's lesson is: Some parts of the human body are OUT ONLY.

Let's go to Sichuan, China where a bunch of guys were drinking to excess and one of them inevitably passed out. Now, I'll admit that it does seem kind of amusing to do funny things to people when they're completely comatose on the living room couch, bathroom floor, wherever, really. Put makeup on them. Make funny signs and put them next to them and post the photos on Facebook. Take off all of their clothes and carry the drunkard into the stairwell. Things like that are hilarious. It's when the hilarity tries to involve live aquatic creatures that it stops becoming hilarious and starts to tread down the path of WTF?

Now, according to something called The Shanghaiist, the drunk in this story was a 59-year old man who was a chef (why they felt the need to include that is completely beyond me, as it has nothing to do with this story AT ALL!) who was taken "...to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding. He was soon diagnosed as being in a severe state of shock." I think I'd be in a severe state of shock as well if I had a great deal of bleeding coming from that particular area. Yes, that IS shocking, I agree.

Now, something called Guanabee tells us since the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing the pain (you know, probably stemming from all of the arse bleeding that was going on) they "...obtained permission from the family to conduct a laparotomy– a surgical incision into the abdominal wall done to examine the abdominal organs." Yipes. Yeah, you think that's bad? Just wait. It ain't nothing like bad, yet.

(WARNING: This is really not for anyone. If there was an "NO" rating, meaning it was for NO ONE, that is what this would be rated. You've been warned.) Once they cut the dude open, it was apparent what had gone wrong. What had gone wrong and what had gone IN. That's right. They found (brace yourself) "...a 50cm long, dead Asian swamp eel stuck in the man’s rectal region. The slithery fish had bit it’s way through the intestine." Oh, my God! Stop it now!

An EEL?!!? FIFTY CENTIMETERS LONG?! I'll do that math and convert that to the English equivalent so that you'll know that we're talking about 25 inches, or just over TWO FREAKING FEET LONG! IN the OUT DOOR!! Good Lord, people! OUT ONLY! OUT only!! NO EELS ALLOWED!

Here's the part of the story where I began to question how good these doctors actually were. I mean, congratulations on finding the eel after you cut the dude open, but, "...According to reports, the chef had consumed copious amounts of eel the day before, but doctors couldn’t figure out how a live eel ended up in his rectum." Wait. What now?

Is that part about the chef consuming the "copious amounts of eel the day before" a necessary part to put in this story? Or did the docs think that somehow, eating eel would cause a live one to grow inside of you? Or get inside of you? What in the hell does eating eel have to do with any of this?! (I will never look at unagi in the same way ever again. Not that I ever thought it looked all that great to begin with, but when you start putting it in this sort of a context, it's really pretty much over for previous thoughts ever returning without thinking about this horror first.)

Wanna know what having an eel that once used to be alive does when it's inserted into the OUT ONLY area of the human body? Well, first of all, the eel isn't going to like it AT ALL. I say that because "...the eel had apparently already wrought havoc on his innards, biting its way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding and infection rapidly set in." Yes, I imagine those thing WOULD set in when you have a creature inside of you trying desperately to gnaw its way out. I might not make it to the end of this post. I'm not feeling well.

Have all of you eely sleuths figured out what happened yet? Remember, I mentioned the whole drinking and getting passed-out drunk earlier in this story. Yeah, that DID play a part. Shocking, I know. (No pun intended just because it was an eel.) The article state that "The likely cause was eventually established - he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose." Oh. God.

The LIKELY cause?! I'm pretty sure that having your friends shove an eel up your ass is the ONLY cause after one has been found in your rectum. LIKELY cause? I understand not wanting to jump to conclusions or whatever, but when there's only ONE conclusion, by all means, freaking JUMP! What is WRONG with you people?!

Now, not to get overly graphic here or anything, but that must have been quite the chore to get that eel up there. Granted, the thing could have done some slithering on its own, but how much is the question. That area is full of rather tight muscles. I mean, they're tight for a reason. They keep things from going out at the wrong time and, most importantly in this case, they keep things from going IN! And if you're so drunk that you don't realize that something of this nature is happening to you, you need to go to meeting or something. Anything! Granted, this guy croaked, but had he lived, I think a meeting or two would have been in order.

I'm going to leave you with one final visual image. Maybe they used a shoehorn.