...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

From the files of "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved", we have this tale from somewhere called Spartanburg County, South Carolina: A woman stole a sandwich from McDonald's. How she stole it will shock you gross you out.

According to WYFF4.com, a woman bought two sandwiches and two small coffees. That seems reasonable. What does not seem reasonable is that after she bought them and after she received them, she took one of the sandwiches and shoved it down the front of her pants. Wait. What?

That's right. Shoved it down her pants. For the purpose of what, you ask? Why, for the purpose of getting a free sandwich, of course. See, her story was that "...her order had been shorted" and "...the employees owed her a free one". Granted, the employees were right there. It's not like it was all that hard to figure out what went on. It was probably a little harder to figure out why it went on, however.

Anyway, as these crazy people tend to do, this woman, a one Lori Turner, became loud (ie, swearing). In fact, "The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s." Wow. OK, lady. Calm down. Or something. Actually, what say you take that sandwich out of your pants and then you calm down, OK? First things first. Oh, and by the way, this woman looks just like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

See? When the officer took the woman outside, he "...said he could see a large grease stain on the front of her pants." Yeah, McDonald's isn't exactly the healthiest place to be pilfering items to shove down your trousers, that's for sure. Maybe if she were stealing sushi rolls or something she would have gotten away with it. But not with the telltale grease stain from the golden arches. No way. And of course, grease stain and all, the woman "...denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search her." Gross. Whoever that female officer was deserves some sort of bonus or day off or something for being called in for that duty. Fortunately for that female officer, "Turner pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car." Finally.

Naturally, she "...continued to shout profanities and smelled of alcohol". I'm dying to know what she was saying. I can only imagine. I just don't understand this entire scenario at all. I mean, she clearly had enough money for two sandwiches and two coffees. As far as I can tell, she was by herself. She couldn't have maybe only ordered one coffee and three sandwiches. And why are they calling them 'sandwiches'. They're burgers, aren't they? I don't think of a sandwich as something that is going to leave a grease stain when I shove it down the front of my pants. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don't do things like that. On weekdays.)

But of all of these intricacies that perplex me, here's the one that I really can't fathom: "The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a trespassing order." The trespassing order I get. The refunding of her money?! What is up with that?! Why would they give her money back? Were they not paying attention? The sandwich was IN HER PANTS! It's hers! She paid for it. She received it. She put it in her pants. There should be no refunding of anything! You can't just put some McDonald's down your pants and not expect to pay for it. Granted, I'm sure that she's paying for this in more ways than one, but you see what I'm saying, right? Good.