Independence Day

A little reminder (especially for that 26% of our fellow Americans who're unsure of who the US colonies declared independence from (hint: King George III of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, etc.). Of course not everyone living in the US was "free" or "independent" that day or for more than a century afterwards, and civil, political and economic equality are an ongoing problem, but....

Here is the complete text of the Declaration of Independence. The original spelling and capitalization have been retained.

Declaration of Independence
(Adopted by Congress on July 4, 1776)

The Unanimous Declaration
of the Thirteen United States of America


When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776

How To Keep Your Dog Calm During July 4th Fireworks

Are your dogs frightened by the fireworks? Here are some suggestions:

1) Don't take your dog where there are going to be fireworks. Leave them at home in their secure safety zone. They get all excited by being out in new surroundings and they're on high alert. (I don't mean in a mean way but as in their senses are already at a strain trying to take in all the new things around them.) Fireworks may just overload their senses. And since dogs can hear better than we can, the noise may even be painful. So leave them at home.

2) Don't try too hard to reassure your dog. You may be reinforcing their behavior if you give them too much attention during their fear. They will learn that fearful behavior results in a lot of attention and loving from their owner. They also may pick up on your own behavior. If the noise bothers you, it might translate to your dog. So it's important for you to keep calm and act happy and upbeat so they don't sense fear or anger from you.

3) If you leave them alone, bring them inside. Then be sure they are in a place where they feel safe and secure like their crate, a favorite room, etc. Make sure they have their security blankets like their favorite bed or toy. If you use a crate, place it in the middle of the room so that they can't pull bedding, pillows, rugs, etc into their crate and chew them up. Have some "white noise" in the background. If they are used to having the TV on then have it on and put it on a station that won't have a fireworks special going on! This gives them the same sounds that they are used to. Music has been found to be soothing to pets. If you don't use the TV, then play some soothing music like a classical music radio station. If they are used to your country music, then put that on. Just be sure the radio station is not having a fireworks special or playing a Souza march with lots of cymbals! You can buy CD's that are made just for pets using instruments that have been shown to calm dogs. Turn a fan on in the room too. This gives additional background noise. Leave a light on so that they aren't in the dark.

4) If your dog is so stressed out that none of this is going to work, then ask your Vet about a sedative to give your dog on nights like this. There are also some herbal sedatives like Rescue Remedy that you can Google and find. It's dangerous for a dog to get so terrified. It stresses their heart and body functions and can lead to destructive behavior like clawing a door, chewing up carpet, etc. If they were to get outside they would run like the wind until they finally give out and you may never find them again. So be a responsible and compassionate owner and take precautions to help your dog through their panic attack.

Remember, they depend on you!

Scent of the Missing by Susannah Charleson

Scent of the Missing by Susannah Charleson

This is a wonderful book! A non-fiction book about how Susannah Charleson got involved in a canine search-and-rescue team and how, eventually, she gets a Golden Retriever to train for that job. Little Puzzle is only 10 weeks old when she begins her training to become a search-and-rescue dog. Puzzle's willfulness and high drive are assets in the field but challenged Susannah at home. By the time Susannah and Puzzle gain their certification in Search and Rescue, they had spent thousands of hours in training in all kinds of conceivable situations.

It amazed me that these search-and-rescue teams are mainly all volunteers. I just assumed that they were all police canine teams. But these SAR teams are on call 24/7 and add the hours they spend training... it's overwhelming what they do.

Charleson writes so well you feel you are in her head and you feel the same love for her dogs that she does. I'm a dog person. But I believe, even if you aren't a dog person, you would come to appreciate and love dogs from reading this book. Dogs are living beings that have to be cared for. They can be a handful, they have quirks and personalities, and their total dependence on you to take care of them is a big responsibility. If you get a dog and treat it well and make it a part of the family, chances are you will only have minor troubles. A little pee on the rug, a scratched screen door, a chewed up toilet paper roll - in the greater scheme of things, these are minor irritations. But dogs give back with so much love and adoration, loyalty and companionship that the minor irritations are easy to overlook after awhile.

Charleson does not ignore the minor irritations or the doubts she has at times with Puzzle. She talks about them head on and yet, leads you through her process of problem solving. And it's done in a way that you know her love for Puzzle has never wavered and Puzzle's love for her is never questioned. She took on Puzzle as a commitment and never looks back from that. It's the way marriage is suppose to be, a commitment that is never questioned again after those vows are made. Or the way adoptive parents make that commitment when they sign the adoption papers, the child is their's now and no turning back. Once a woman is pregnant she is committed to that child for the rest of the child's life, no going back. It's a done deal. You can't return said child when things become tough.

I cannot say enough about how well Charleson writes! I know her through my sister, Elaine Harris with PomRescue.com. In fact, Charleson adopted one of Elaine's Pommies and is mentioned in the book's Acknowledgement section. Elaine has sent me some of Charleson's writings about her Poms from one of her Pom message boards and I thought then that she was such a good writer, she should write a book. Well, she did and it's well worth the read!

In fact, I would encourage her to write a fiction novel with her heroine being on a search-and-rescue team. I think she's probably got a ready store of ideas from her work to come up with some mystery books. Have a mystery as the core of the story but write of her relationship with her dogs and the working aspect of the SAR team. I think she's got it in her. Again, if I haven't made myself clear, buy the book and read it!

P.S. Check out her book at Amazon.com. They have a link to her webpage, a great interview with her, personal photos and a video of Charleson and Puzzle.

Impact by Douglas Preston

Impact by Douglas Preston

The U.S. government sends mercenary Wyman Ford on a mission to locate a secret Cambodian mine, the source of some unusual gemstones. These gemstones have never been seen before and they are getting high prices but they are costing people even more dearly than they realize. It seems they are radioactive. He finds the mine alright, but the people forced to work the mine are dying from the radioactive stones. He decides not only to fill out his report but to close the mine down little realizing that wasn't what our government wanted.

In Maine, Abbey Straw has dropped out of college against her hardworking fisherman father's wishes losing the tuition money he paid for. All she's interested in is smoking pot, getting drunk and astrology. She and her friend are out partying on the night that a meteor is seen streaking across the sky. With her new telescope she is even able to get a photograph. Although everyone says it must have hit the ocean, she knows it didn't because there were no shock waves. She triangulates her information to deduce that it hit on one of five islands so she and her party friend sneak out on her father's boat to find it so they can sell pieces of the meteor on ebay. But it's not what she thinks!

In California, scientist Jason Freeman sends co-worker, Mark Corso, a classified hard drive that he stole from where they work. The National Propulsion Facility is studying Mars but Jason has stumbled on something that could rock our world, literally! Jason is killed before he can explain anything to Mark, a researcher with the Mars Mapping Orbiter (MMO) project at the NPF. But Mark does get his package and soon realizes what Freeman was so excited about.

These 3 storylines intersect and the good guys win. There is a unique twist on the last page that was intriguing. Otherwise, this wasn't a favorite of mine. I've read all of his books and the books he co-authors with Lincoln Child and usually love them. This one left me flat. I didn't like the characters. The story seemed implausible to me. I think a meteor hit like he describes would have been heard around the world, if you know what I mean. It would be a good enough read for a beach read or a plane trip but wasn't up to his normal quality.

How Now Shall We Live by Chuck Colson

Now How Shall We Live by Chuck Colson, published in 1999

Eleven years ago Chuck Colson wrote this book and, yet, it is very timely for today. I've had it for awhile in my TBR pile and got around to reading it this year. It is very well written and I would recommend it for anyone to read. Of course, it's on deep subjects so children wouldn't be interested but I think it would be a good read for teenagers and adults.

Our world is no longer faith based here in America. It's scary and shocking to those of us who remember a different time when believing in God was normal and attending church was what families did. It's been turned inside out. Taking our children to church on Sundays is considered abnormal now. Only freaks and stupid people believe in God. God is for the weak or "God is dead". I remember learning the 23rd Psalm, the Golden Rule, the Lord's Prayer and John 3:16 in my public school. Once a week, we had announcements over the intercom in which a short prayer was given. This was in junior high school. Even in High School (mid 1970's) we had a Bible class where I memorized all the books of the Bible and learned the basic timeline of the Bible. We had a storyteller who came to our 1st grade class to tell Bible stories using beautiful flannelboards. But, now, it's illegal to lead prayers in the classroom or mention God in any way. In order to pray, our children have to leave the school building and go to the flagpole. No more prayers in the cafeteria or before a football game. God is being systematically deleted from our government by our courts in suits brought by people who have nothing better to do and are so intolerant of other people's religion that they sue. It's offensive to them. It never crosses their minds that they should just be polite and quiet while someone prays at the ballgame and extend the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt. Instead, Christians are suppose to be polite and quiet while some atheist curses next to them at the same ball game and to give these foul mouths the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt.

For those of us who are believers, it's a harder world to live in. How do we teach our children that belief in God is honorable and intelligent? We aren't stupid, in fact, we are challenged to ask God questions and study His answers. We are taught to love God with all our heart, strength and mind. Yes, our intelligence can love God too. He created us with brains. We don't just suspend our intelligence in order to believe God. We start with faith in God despite our questions. But then our minds are opened by the indwelling Holy Spirit and we are able to learn about God and His truths and why they aren't pie-in-the-sky, in the sweet-by-and-by. They are real and it can affect us where we live. Our faith is stepping-off-a-cliff faith. It is what God requires for our salvation. We don't understand it but we believe! But, once we are saved, in that moment when our spirit is born, the Holy Spirit also comes to live within us to train and mature that new baby spirit. This is called being "born again." It is this spirit that will live forever with God in heaven. Once we are born again, the Holy Spirit begins it's work of "sanctification." Our lives become a classroom where the Holy Spirit can teach us. We are no longer cast upon the sea of doubts and circular arguments. There are answers. The Bible and the Holy Spirit have the truth that sustain us in our questions. We just have to study and read the Word and pray for guidance in our meditations.

If you ever saw Harrison Ford in his Raiders of the Lost Ark series of movies, you may remember when he was searching for the holy grail, the goblet that Jesus used in His last supper. He is in a cave and runs up on a vast chasm. There seems to be no way to get across it. But, in faith, he steps off the cliff. And, suddenly, the camera shifts and you can see the optical illusion. There really is a bridge of rock that he can cross. He couldn't see it from his position on the edge of the cliff. In his mind he is stepping off into nothing with a fall straight down. But when he makes that step, his foot finds footing on a bridge. It was an optical illusion to test his faith. So it is with us. We stand at a chasm so wide and deep and there seems to be no bridge to cross over. Our treasure is God. We seek Him and desire Him. We want to run to Him but we can't get past our doubts. It seems to be all mumbo jumbo, abracadabra. It's not logical or rational so we stand on our side of the chasm and say, "God is dead." But something tells us that if we step off the cliff, we can reach Him. "But it doesn't make sense," we think, "I have to have proof." We argue with ourselves and then we come to a decision. We will either trust in God and take that step or we turn our backs and go back to the way we've always lived. But once we take that little step, we will find sure footing on that bridge to God. It's scary as we make our way across that bridge. But God is there, He has provided a way (through Jesus Christ, the bridge to bring men to God), He desires us to take that plunge and come to Him. We may make some missteps but we will never fall to our utter destruction (hell). We took that first step of belief and now we are in God's hands and He will not allow us to be plucked from His hands. Once we get on the bridge, our mind is now able to study and learn and grow intellectually.

Colson's book is one way of learning and growing intelligently, with our minds, towards God. We can be sure enough in our faith and be smart enough to engage our culture. Their silly arguments can be met with intelligent and thoughtful rebuttal (and should be done with courtesy). Colson encourages us to apply God's truths to our everyday lives... in school, at work, in politics, in relationships, in our families, in our ethics, morals, values. We aren't just Christians for one hour at church. We are Christians through and through and every moment.

I encourage you to read this book, it's very articulate and easy to read but very deep.

Facebook Fan Page Frivolity

We all know that we're doomed. And what better way to exemplify said doomage than with a silly observation on Facebook. Oh, but it's not just an observation that I made. No, it was one that was made by the fair and balanced folks over there at Fox News made. And that alone is definitely another sign that we're doomed.

Here's the deal: The other day, it was the first time that a living person hit the 10-million fan mark on Facebook. Now, I would have expected that person to have been either Oprah or President Barry. Turns out, Oprah is no where near the ten million mark on Facebook. Not even close. She only has around 1.5 million fans. That's nothing. And actually, President Barry is in second place with around 9,557,061 fans as of this writing. And while that's nothing to be ashamed of, it kind of is when you're trailing to none other than (wait for it) Lady Gaga. Wait. What now?

Correct. More people are Facebook fans of the freakish (and freakishly talented) Lady Gaga than they are of President Barry. Seriously? Not that I'm thinking that it would be a good idea if President Barry had ten million fans. I'm just thinking that it would be better than Lady Gaga having ten million fans. I mean, sixty million or so people voted for the guy. Why can't he get more people to fan him on Facebook? Oh, right. Because Facebook is stupid. I forgot. Sorry.

But what might be worse than Lady Gaga having the most fans and President Barry having the second most fans is who has the third most fans. Now, you already know that it's not Oprah, so that's a hint. (Not really. You're never going to guess.) And remember, this is for the fans of a living person. Wacko Jacko has over 13 million, but he doesn't count because the last time he uttered "This is it", he really meant it! I'm just going to give it to you. Ready? You're not. Trust me. It's Vin Diesel. (See? Told you!)

Vin Diesel? Are you kidding me? Has the guy ever even had a decent movie? Oh, The Fast and The Furious wasn't that great. Get over it. He's not even an overly attractive dude. He's not a mutant or anything, but come on! What is the appeal of Vin Diesel?! Please, someone tell me! I have no idea!

Oh. Wait a minute. Apparently, President Barry has dropped to third place. That's right. Vin Diesel now has more Facebook fans than Savior Obama does. Good Lord, who is in fourth place? Megan Fox? Oh, well, President Barry better start getting used to fourth place, because if he can be surpassed by Vin Diesel, he sure as heck doesn't stand a chance with a woman with as nice of a rack as Ms. Fox has.

And speaking of Fox, let me just thank Fox News one more time for bringing us this utterly unimportant story and pretending like it's news. Yeah, thanks for nothing.

Where For Art Thou, Kobayashi?

If you do nothing else on the Fourth of July, Independence Day, make sure that you at least tune into ESPN around noon EST for the 95th (Yes! 95th!) annual Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest at Coney Island. I swear. But I don't recommend it for most reasons that you'd probably think of.

Watching a bunch of grown men and a few grown women shove dog after dog after dog down their gullet in an attempt to be proclaimed the champion and take possession of the coveted award, the Mustard Yellow Belt. Oh, it's quite a sight. The belt. The eating. The whole deal. Behold!
As a seasoned veteran spectator of this spectacle, I'll give you a crash course primer on the things to pay the most attention to. (Trust me. It's such a disgusting mess at times, you really don't know where to look and your only instinct is to look AWAY! But if you do that, you'll miss some real good eatin'!) Usually, there are really only two names that you need to know. One of those names is Takeru Kobayashi from Japan. Kobayashi came onto the scene in 2001 when the record from the year before was 25 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Kobayashi (pardon the pun) devoured that record by downing FIFTY dogs AND buns in 12 minutes. Why, yes, that's about one dog every 14.4 seconds, that is correct! He uses a technique I've dubbed the "Snap n'Cram" where he snaps the hot dog in half and as that's being crammed into his mouth, he's dunking the bun in water and then sucking that up. It could also be called the "Watch and Vomit", as that's how I feel every year when I view this eating spectacle.

But there might be a problem with Kobayashi competing this year...as in, he might not compete. It seems that the governing body that sanctions these eating competitions, the International Federation of Competitive Eating (of course) has some sort of a contract that these guys have to sign in order to compete. Kobayashi doesn't want to sign the contract because he feels that it will "limit" his choices in eating competitions. The IFOCE claims that they always have to sign the contract and he's never had a problem with it before. They also liken his not signing to a quarterback wanting to play in the Super Bowl, but not join the NFL. That's a pretty good analogy. I don't know if it's accurate, but it's still pretty darn good. Now, they had the weigh-in yesterday and Kobayashi wasn't there. (I have no idea why they're weighing these folks. It's not like they're separated into weigh categories. They have one category. The Gluttonous. That's it. No need for weighing. But if it makes them feel better, then have at it, I guess.) But I'm still holding out hope that he will be there. You should hold out hope, too. It can't hurt.

So if he's there, he's the first guy you're going to want to pay attention to. (With any luck, there will be a shot of him lifting up his shirt at some point. You wouldn't know it to look at the guy, as he looks a bit scrawny, but he is incredibly muscular. Six pack abs and all! He puts The Situation to shame. Behold!)

Then there's reigning champion Joey Chestnut who hails from practically right down the road from my walled compound here in San Jose, CA (otherwise known as "The Valley"). If Kobayashi's technique is the "Snap n'Cram" Joey's technique is "The Cram n'Jump". And it's executed just like it sounds. He crams the hot dog and bun into his mouth and then kind of jumps up and down a little bit. It's sort of like how you shake a bottle of ketchup when the ketchup is all stuck in the neck, only it's in reverse and it's with a hell of a lot of hot dogs. Joey first beat Kobayashi in 2007 by eating an absolutely sickening 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. If you think that's amazing, in 2008, after someone discovered some handwritten notes dating back to 1918 that had to contest as being for only 10 minutes, the International Federation OF Competitive Eating (I swear) wanted to be true to the roots of the contest and shortened the time by two minutes. So what happened? Joey and Kobayashi tied at 59 hot dogs and buns each and they had to go to a five dog eat off. Whoever could eat the five dogs the fastest wins.

While 5 hot dogs might not sound like much, you have to keep in mind that at this point, these guys just ATE 59 hot dogs. And they've stopped eating for at least five minutes before the dog-off starts. By then, I'm thinking that the chances for a, um, a reversal of fortune, shall we say, are more and more likely. I can't imagine you'd even want to look at another hot dog again for the rest of your life, let alone try and shove five more in your food hole. By the way, an eight pack of Nathan's dogs weighs 1 pound. Thus, not figuring in the weight of the buns, 64 hot dogs would weigh eight pounds! Add the buns and the water and you're easily cramming close to ten extra pounds INTO your body in ten minutes. That's a pound a minute for you folks out there too busy trying not to vomit to do the math. Gross.

So those are your two main players. But wait. There's more! You can't have an event such as this without someone calling the shots. You need an announcer. No, you need a color commentary guy. No, you need a guy with a love for literature. No, you need a wordsmith of the ages. A man who can take individual words and phrases and put them all in a proverbial hat, mix them up, pull them out and match 'em up as if they were Garanimals to construct and form the most utterly amazing sentences in the English language that you will ever hear in your entire life. You need George Shea.

George Shea is a national treasure. The man is brilliant. George Shea is the co-founder, along with his brother Richard, of the IFOCE and they both make the rounds on the competitive eating circuit announcing various events each year. And while I can't vouch for Richard's talents (and I have no reason to doubt that they're any less than formidable), I can vouch for George's skills and they are phenomenal. It's a combination between his love for language and love for watching and orchestrating competitive eating. The words that come out of his mouth are PURE poetry! A few examples from our national treasure, George Shea:

• They say that competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer wage war for men's souls. (Um, WHO says that? WHEN do they say that?)
  
  
• For this is a battle of the ages. It's a battle of the titans. That man this is half God and half man and comes to earth only once!
  
  
• We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance! (I don't even know what in the hell that means, but I DO know that it's hilarious!)

• He is eating in an arena of pure emotion! This is about the triumph of the human spirit. It is nothing short of the triumph of the human spirit. As I said.
  
  
• It's like that song by David Bowie. Major Tom. You're enjoying it and then you realize how sad it is. Major Tom's not coming back. He's up in that tin can. He tells his wife he loves her very much! She knoooows. But it's very sad. Major Tom's not coming back. But the belt may be coming back to Brooklyn!
  

Finally. A wordsmith our country can be proud of! So, Sunday. 12 noon EST. ESPN. A bunch of guys and a couple of chicks eating hot dogs really fast with a guy doing beautiful and nutty commentary. It's sure to make you proud to be an American! But if you're still not convinced, there's an added bonus this year! Yes, an added incentive for you to tune in and feel your body awash from head to toe in American pride. According to the folks over there at CNN "As a lead-in to the main event, Major League Eating will hold a "cross-species" eating contest between three competitive eaters and three Asian elephants. Shea described it as the realization of one of his two lifelong dreams, the other being a scenario in which a dozen competitive eaters eat the entire contents of a convenience store."

God bless America! Land of the free! Home of the brave! And the place for eating competitions pitting humans against pachyderms! Two outta three ain't bad!