A Friday To Forget

I'm going to call this Hoo-Ha Friday. I'm not going to be proud of it. It's just what I'm going to do. Hoo-Ha Friday is brought to you by two individuals in two separate, yet frighteningly similar incidents. Individual Number One is featured in the video below. It seems that she was in Atascadero, California when she was arrested for DUI after she crashed into the garage of her home. Baaaaad! She was cuffed and placed in the back of the squad car. Shortly afterwards, the arresting officers noticed that she had slipped out of her handcuffs. More baaaad! They put another pair on her because they couldn't find the first pair of handcuffs. Even after she was booked into jail (where they search you...in theory), no one could find the handcuffs. It was sort of a mystery. Where could they be? Where could they possibly, yet unthinkably, be? If you guessed some sort of body cavity that only a female has, you are correct! Aaauuugghhh! All of the baaaad! You may now vomit.

My favorite part of that news report was at the end where the guy was trying to explain the inexplicable. That being why she chose to hide the handcuffs after she was able to find her way out of them. That's what they were focused on?! She was drunk! End of story! And I would hope that the ONLY reason why one would cram a pair of handcuffs up into their uterine region WAS because they were drunk. And we're talking pretty darn drunk. Handcuffs in the hoo-ha drunk, to be exact. I'd be more concerned with how she got them off in the first place rather than why she chose to do what she did in her heightened state of inebriation. And yes, that picture there is of the confiscated handcuffs inside of a plastic glove. Eww.

And as I alluded to earlier, this, sadly, is not the only incident that I have to report here on Hoo-Ha Friday. From the folks over at Cincinnati.com, we learn of another incident involving the arrest of another woman behind the wheel. It would seem that in this case, the car had illegally tinted windows. Uh, yeah. It seems that there was a reason for the illegally tinted windows. When the officer approached the vehicle and looked inside, it wasn't pretty. Inside he found a one 36-year old Colondra Hamilton "...sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy in her lap." And listen, let's not judge...yet. Save the judgment for after you learn that she was allegedly "...using the toy while watching a sex video on a laptop computer that a passenger in the front seat held up so she could see it." All whilst driving. Good Lord, lady....

And we're worried about people texting while driving. Wow. I'm trying to figure out what would compel a woman to pull something like this. Is she just SOOOOO busy that there isn't enough time in her day to fit in a good masturbatory porn session, so she decided that she'd kill two birds with one stone and take care of that whilst she drove to the post office or something? How in the world could she even pay attention? Would you even remember that a green light meant "go" and that a red light meant "stop" if you were in the middle of something like that? I can't imagine that you would. I also can't imagine how enjoyable that would possibly be. And by the way, in case you're wondering, driving with a dildo in your lap and a porno on your laptop whilst you drive your vehicle amounts to being charged with "driving with inappropriate alertness". That makes sense. After all, I imagine that she was paying attention, just not to the driving (which is really the most important thing to pay attention to when you're behind the wheel). Oh, and by the way, she looks probably about like you'd expect her to. Behold!

Yeah. All right, then. This has been what will hopefully amount to the last Hoo-Ha Friday ever.

Thank You, Captain Obvious

Where do I sign up to get a job that studies the completely obvious? I know that such jobs exist. In fact, I'm positive of it after reading in Psychology Today that a one Nicolas Guéguen did a study "...on the likelihood of a female hitchhiker being picked up, by either a male or female driver, as a function of her breast size." Sooooo...let me get this straight. He wanted to know if a hitchhiking woman had larger breasts, would it increase the chances that she would be offered a ride? Really? There needs to be a study for this? Can't we all just agree on some things without the study?

The author of the article at Psychology Today is a one Gad Saad (pronounce that however you'd like). Mr. Saad muses about Mr. Guéguen that he "...could not help but notice that he possesses a talent for conducting naturalistic experiments about issues that many people have wondered about and yet few (if any) have tested." Really? Do you really think that many people have wondered whether or not chicks with large hoots get preferential treatment? Or do you think that many people already know that chicks with large hoots get preferential treatment? Can't we just agree that some things don't need to be proven, that they're just intrinsically known and we're all good with that?

The guy, Mr. Guéguen actually did a little test where "...an average looking female confederate" with either A cup, B cup or C cup sized breasticles "...stood at the side of a road and actually hitch hiked (i.e., put out her thumb as cars whizzed by)". Someone counted how many guys and how many girls drove by and also counted how many guys and how many girls stopped to pick this chick up. (They make of point of telling us that the "female confederate" did not actually get in any of the cars. I wish that would have made a point of telling us why she is called the "female confederate" instead.)

Now, this may shock you to learn that more men stopped to pick up the chick with bigger breasts. This is summarized in Mr. Saad's article as "If a woman has large breasts, men are more likely to engage in prosocial behavior." You think?! Are you freaking kidding me? How about next time, instead of sending some chick out on the side of the road and having her thumb rides, what say you just ask guys what they would do? "Excuse me, sir? If you saw this woman hitchhiking (show picture of voluptuous female, preferably Pam Anderson because, well, who doesn't like Pam Anderson?), would you give her a ride?" Then give the man a tissue to wipe the drool coming out of his mouth. Repeat as needed. (I realize that "as needed" makes it sound as if it is necessary to ask someone else to see if this is, in fact, an actual phenomenon. You and I both know that it's not. You and I both think that this study was about as stupid as it can get in the first place. Then again, some guy managed to figure out how to study how women's breasts cause different reactions in society. OK, that guy might be a genius, but this study certainly is not.)

And just in case you were wondering, here is the picture that Psychology Today included along with their article. You know, just in case you were unfamiliar with the concept of a fairly attractive, large breasted woman. Behold!

Good Lord....