That's NOT How You Got Pregnant

There was a headline over at The Huffington Post today that I just loved. And when I say "just loved" I mean "just made me want to stab my myself". The headline read "Man Loses iPod, Accidentally Impregnates Wife". Uh-huh. I'm going to need to know more about this, even though I'm guessing that it will increase the urge to stab.

The headline is referring to an iPhone Touch. But the guy in question (lots of questions), a one Doug Wilson, also has an iPhone 4 which he carries around in his hand all of the time. Literally. The guy doesn't put it in his pocket because, according to what he told those at the fledgling CNN, that "...would be too risky, he said, because he might miss a photo opportunity -- like that crazy "rat tail" hairdo he saw at a fast-food spot recently. ("I was like, 'I've GOT to take a picture of this!')" Um, yeah. OK. Wouldn't want to miss that! All rightee, then. Where does the pregnancy come in?

Well, somehow, this guy managed to find himself a wife at some point, a one probably lovely Ashlee. I'm guessing it was before he started carrying around his iPhone 4 with him whenever he is awake. Just a hunch. Anyway, he claims that it was Ashlee whom he "...accidentally impregnated one evening after forgetting to look at an iPod app that explains the details of the rhythm method." Wait a minute. What now?

Correct. He told CNN "That's how we got pregnant...because I lost my [iPod Touch]." If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to find a wall upon which I'm going to bang my head for a few seconds.

OK, I'm back. Ow. Where was I? Oh, that's right. I was about to bellow "THAT'S NOT HOW YOUR WIFE GOT PREGNANT!" Your wife got pregnant because you had SEX. It's all of the SEX that gets one pregnant, NOT the app! I'm sure that it won't surprise you to learn that this man, who believes that his iPod has the power of spermatozoa, is from Arkansas. I kind of figured that something like that was in play when he got so excited about the guy with the rat tail hair.

The story doesn't conclude with Doug saying that he has now learned what the rhythm method entails or that he's invested heavily in a nice, large supply of condoms or, most importantly, that his iPod had NOTHING to do with his wife getting pregnant. Nope. None of those. It concludes with Doug asserting that "...the slip-up was yet another reminder that his phone should be turned on, in his hand, ready to accept alerts -- all the time." Good Lord. Really? It wasn't even your PHONE that had the damned app on it! (In other news, there's an app that details the rhythm method for you. According to iphoneapples.com "There are currently 180 apps available in the App Store that help women calculate their time of the month." Huh. So, 180 calendar apps are available. Good to know. Morons.)

While I am glad that they are thrilled about the impending birth of their little girl, I'm a bit afraid for that child. Granted, things were a little stacked against her in the first place, what with the Arkansas locale and all. But this whole "I got my wife knocked up because I couldn't find my iPod" is a bit troubling. I wonder if there's an app that will help one reduce the dependence upon apps? A bit ironic, sure. But in this case, probably warranted.

Recent iPhone Drawings

As I mentioned a month or so ago, I'd been trying out the iPad C'd gifted to me, and was enthralled with using the AnimatorHD software on it to create animations, but I've also used it to draw as well. I have not ceased drawing, especially life drawing, with my iPhone, however, and continue my subway portraits and outdoor sketches whenever I can.

One of the things I've been trying is different styles, colors, line thicknesses, to see what I can come up with. My very first drawings were pretty much all line, then I moved to full-color ones, and since this past spring I've moved into grayscale images, but one of the cool aspects of the digital pieces is that I can save them and rework them in different formats, so that my original black-and-white drawing of poet Bob Perelman from earlier this spring became a color portrait without being completely redone (though it did take some effort).

Below are a few of the many sketches I've done over the last month or so; I keep thinking that I may have to return to taking the El on days when I'm not so pressed for time in order to keep my practice up. Enjoy!

Then Don't Do That

One of my favorite jokes has always been the one where the guy goes to the doctor and tells him that it hurts when he does this. Naturally, the doctor tells him, "Then don't do that." It's a classic. A timeless classic. Granted, it's hard to say why it's funny, but it just is. And whatever the reason, it doesn't seem to have stopped Apple from using a variation of that theme as a remedy for poor iPhone 4 reception.

Here's the deal: The new iPhone 4 came out the other day. And by all reports, the thing is pretty darned cool. But of course, there are always going to be some glitches or some things that don't work just quite the way that you'd expect them (or like them) to work. And according to the astonishingly still in business CNN, one of those things is "...that holding the phone by its metal edge causes mobile reception to suffer." See, because Apple gets all wacky cool with their technology, they've wrapped the antenna on the iPhone 4 all the way around the edge of the phone. Thus, if you hold the phone the way a normal person holds a phone, you're going to see your reception go all to hell because the antenna is being blocked by your big ol' mitt there.

One guy decided to ask Apple's Grand Poobah about this problem. A chap named Amar wrote the following email to Steve Jobs: "Hi, Mr. Jobs. I love my new iPhone4 (nice work) but when I put my hand on the steel bands I lose all reception. It appears to be a common issue. Any plans to fix this? Thanks, Aram." Nice inquiry. Short. To the point. Complimentary. All of the things that you're going to want to have in an email in order to better your chances of a response. What's that? His response? "Just avoid holding it in that way." Wait. That's it? What now?

That's the response. The modern adaptation of "then don't do that". What exactly does he mean by that? The metal bands go all the way around the phone. How are you supposed to avoid touching them? I'm unclear as to how you're supposed to hold the thing if you're not touching the sides. How would you hold any phone without touching the sides? I'm not so sure that a great piece of technology is something that is only great when it's being held in a certain manner. Steve Jobs tends to pride himself on making the perfect piece of technology, so what is the deal with this?

Did the Apple folks really think that people wouldn't notice or complain? It's a worthy complaint. It's a less than worthy answer of "then don't do that". That's pretty weak. When you have a phone like the iPhone 4, you're going to be concerned with your data speeds and your reception ability. To have to hold your phone a certain way seems vaguely reminiscent of putting tin foil on an aerial TV antenna and then having to hold it with one hand as you stand on one foot. Don't get me wrong. I realize that there wasn't enough room in that teeny-tiny little phone to shove in an antenna as well and so they had to wrap it around the edges so that it would fit in there. I get that. But when it's a matter of getting reception or not getting reception, what say you sacrifice a millimeter of thickness and cram that thing in there, OK? I'm not real thrilled about paying a couple of hundred dollars for something that I have to hold a certain way in order for it to work at an optimal level of performance.

Update + Recent Drawings

The steamrolling weeks continue, but there have been some highpoints. (I also want to acknowledge the passing of pioneers Lena Horne and Dorothy Height, two strong, smart, beautiful, visionary black women whose courage, determination and grace have made so very much possible for all who follow in their footsteps.)

On Wednesday, Nathalie Stephens/Nathanael, whom I'd seen read last Saturday at Las Manos Gallery's Uncalled-For Reading Series (photos coming!), with Kareem Khubchandani (a grad student at the university, working with the brilliant E. Patrick Johnson), and Trish Bendix, came to speak to my class about her remarkable recent book, Absence Where As: Claude Cahun and the Unopened Book (Nightboat Books, 2009), which was revelatory in so many ways. Then, right after class concluded, I went to M. Nourbese Philip's reading, which was sponsored by the university's Poetry and Poetics Working Group and the Humanities Center. She read/performed--quite extraordinarily, I testify--from her recent work, Zong! (as told to her by Setaey Adamu Boateng) (UPNE, 2008), which I believe the UniVerse of Poetry and Chicago Public Radio audiotaped, meaning that it will be available very soon, I hope. On Thursday afternoon, she participated in a conversation sponsored and attended by members (students, faculty) of the Poetry and Poetics Working Group and scholars from outside the university.  It was as Barbara Tucker sang: I got lifted.

Amidst everything else, I've been trying to funnel my artistic yearnings into something productive, which has meant a bit of sketching whenever I can. Below are some very recent drawings. A certain developer I know very well (Mr. C-thank you!) passed on a first generation iPad, so I've been trying that out too, though I haven't figured out if the iPhone drawing app I like, Sketchbook, is fully functional, especially with layers. I'll post some of those soon.  Miriam asked in a previous comment whether I completed these all at once, and I'd say that I usually finish the monochrome ones fairly quickly, but with the full-color ones I tend to get as much done as I can the first pass through, then I return to work with them a bit more. I also tried a few different styles this time through, as will be evident. The fastest drawing of this group is the one of Gerard Cadava (a colleague in history), at his father's talk. I was taking notes assiduously, so as soon as I found a lull of sorts, I sketched him, then returned to my note-taking. The base pen tool color was blue, so that's what I went with. The two black-and-white drawings are the first I've ever done in one pass, while standing (I was waiting in line at a restaurant, so I drew people standing right near me). And then there are the drawings of the artists: Cristina (I haven't shown this to her yet), Chris Ware, and Anders Nilsen. If I can get the latter two figures email addresses, I think I'll forward them directly.


Drawing from today

Drawing from today

Gerardo Cadava

Cristina Henríquez

Chris Ware (did you ever wonder what he looked like?)

Anders Nilsen