Celebrity Predictive Text

OK, fine. Since yesterday's post was kind of lame, I'll do two today to make up for it. And don't get me wrong, today isn't a much better news day than yesterday was. But whenst one is bored, there is always a little bit of amusement to be had through a little Googling. Today, I played around with Google's predictive text results with celebrity inquiries. Odd, I tell you. Very odd.

Just putting in a celebrity name will yield you some predictive text results, but they're not always that exciting. (Granted, none of this is really "exciting", but I've gotta build this stuff up somehow.) You have to pretend to want to inquire something about the celebrity. The use of "was" or "is" or "hates" or "likes" seems to help. Take, for example, the latest teen sensation, a one Justin Bieber. Do a search on "Justin Bieber is" and Google helps you out with ten suggestions of what it thinks you are most likely looking for. And in this instance, the most likely things that you're searching for about Justin Bieber are, in order of obvious importance, "Justin Bieber is....a fag....dead....bi....a jerk....a girl....a tool.....". Hard to believe from that sampling that he is just about the hottest thing out there right now. Hard. To. Believe. (A girl. Heh heh.) If you were wondering about things that "Ellen DeGeneres has", you're only going to get three predictive answers. But the most common one is about her...big ears? That's the most common? Not that she has a talk show? Has a wife? Has been putting us to sleep with her less than amusing stint on American Idol? No, you people want to know about her ears so much you're at the point of Googling them? You people need to get out more.What about that dear, sweet Betty White? That lovely 88-1/2 year old woman who hosted the funniest Saturday Night Live last week? Is there anything she doesn't like? Apparently, and it's related to you. That's right. "Betty White hates....your grandmother". But we don't know why. Hmmm.

Looking up stuff on Jay Z brought up results I wasn't expecting. He seems like an all right guy. Why, then, is the most predicted result when searching for "Jay Z is..." comes up "devil worshipper"? Really? It also says that he is not only "a freemason", but "a master mason" as well. It also covers the bases if you were thinking he was "the devil" and/or "the antichrist". Whatever the deal is with Jay Z, if he's only one quarter of those things, he's a pretty busy guy.
I was surprised when I read that "Jay Z is the antichrist" because I had been thinking all along that Barack Obama was the antichrist. Nope. Turns out "Barack Obama is your new bicycle". Wait. He's what now? Look, I even clicked on it and I still don't get it. But I was really happy to see that "Barack Obama is a muslim" was down to Number Six on the list, so I feel like there's really been some progress made here. Somewhere.

If you want to know what "Britney Spears was", you'll learn that "Britney Spears was upset unicorns". Um, what now? Unicorns? She was? Apparently, she was.
Now, if you want to know what "Britney Spears is", you'll learn that "Britney Spears is a three headed alien." Of course she is. Wait. What now?

If I were to guess at what the results would be for Googling what "Oprah has", I would guess "a lot of money" would be up there somewhere. "A talk show" might make the list. "Slept with Gayle King" would might even make an appearance. I was not expecting to learn that "Oprah has six toes". That would explain why "Oprah has eleven toes" is further down on the list, but it still really isn't explaining the most basic of all questions "Who are you people who are asking about Oprah's toes?!"

As you can imagine, The Google is not kind about Sarah Palin. Behold!

Yeah, like you were expecting any different.

Dan Wacky-royd

Well, add Dan Aykroyd to the list of wacky celebrities. Wacky celebrities with wacky ideas that they share with the world via centarian Larry King on CNN.

Now, I don't know why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King. I can't possibly imagine what the topic was. And it's not like I would trust CNN to tell me at this point anyway. For cryin' out loud, their captioning guy can't even spell "consultant" correctly. Behold!

"Consulatant". Great. Anyway, if spelling were the wackiest thing that was going on here, I'd consider all of us quite lucky. But it's not. Nope. Not even close. From what I can tell, Dan was asked about what he thinks about aliens and whether or not they have visited this planet. Please note that considering the caption says that he is a "consulatant" for something called the "Mutual UFO Network", it's a pretty safe bet that he's going to be pro-alien in this instance.

But what IS the Mutual UFO Network you ask before I can get to the kooky talk? Well, according to their website, "Founded in 1969, the Mutual UFO Network, Inc. (MUFON) is a nonprofit corporation dedicated, through its volunteers, to resolving the scientific enigma known collectively as unidentified flying objects (UFOs)." Hmmm. Now, look, it would be rather egotistical (I think) for one to think that planet Earth is the ONLY planet in this ridiculously huge solar system that has intelligent life. I'm good with that. But it's when people start talking all crazy about it that it starts sounding just completely nuts. Kinda like Dan Aykroyd did.

Just like I can't quite surmise why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King, I can't possibly guess as to what he was asked that would make him give this rambling diatribe:

"They only land in isolated places. They have taken people, I believe. They do have technology. Lord Hill Norton of the, uh, British Defense Staff said that he believed 23 people, er, 23 different species are coming because they don't want anything to do with us. I don't think we will ever have a formal relationship, a formal contact with any alien species out there. Especially after 9/11 when we broke our toys in the sandbox. If they were observing that, goodbye human race. And, uh, honestly, I don't think they're a mass threat, but I do believe they're breaking the law. I'm serious. Title eighteen twelve-oh-two. Read the Travis Walton story." OK, then. What do you say to that? I'll get right on it?

I suppose that I'd have to start off with "What in the hell are you talking about, sir?! Lord who? The Waltons? What? Sandbox? 9/11? Goodbye? What?!" You know how on an iPod you can put it on "Shuffle" and it will just randomly search through your iPod and then start playing songs at random? It's like Dan Aykroyd put his vocabulary on "Shuffle" and words just started flying out of his mouth at random. What in the world is he talking about?

And even though I don't know what you'd say and I don't know what I'd say, I certainly know what Larry King said. He asked him (of all things), "How do you arrest them?" And while that is a seemingly valid question, given everything Dan was just spouting off about, it's kind of the least of the things that I was really curious about, you know?

But Dan answered him with "Uh, that's the king. The FBI should be on that right away. I don't think they're a mass threat. If you want to save lives in this country, teach people to drive better, remove the cocaine appetite in the United States and stop people from texting while driving. That's the way to save lives." Wait. What's the king? I missed that part (and believe me, I was paying very close attention). Why did cocaine get brought into this? Are people doing the cocaine while they're texting while driving? I certainly hope not. That seems like an awful lot to try to manage all at the same time. The cell phone, the mirror, the straw...it does seem dangerous, though.

He came up with all of that in answer to how does one arrest these aliens that are here and breaking law eighteen twelve-oh-two in a way that may or may not involve a one Travis Walton?! Are you kidding me?

He finished up with, "I look at this...I look at this through the entertainment filter, Larry. That's what I do." That's hard to disagree with. It was definitely entertaining. Crazy as a pet coon, but entertaining none the less. The video of him spouting such entertainment is below. If you can make heads or tails out of it, please, for the love of God, let me know. It's things like this that tend to keep me up at night. Sometimes.