More People Of Wal-Mart

The folks over there at People of Wal-Mart are definitely earning their keep. Holy crap. And it's amazing that something can be both so scary and yet so funny at the same time! The scary part is that these folks really exist. The funny part is that they're hilarious. (And I've been told from a very reliable source that it is highly likely that the intelligence of any primate in Borneo totally surpasses anything in these photos. I'm going to have to agree with that assessment, even though it is insulting to the primates.)

Sweet Mother of God! It's a life-size muppet! Oh, no. Wait. Snookums is below. Well, you can see how I'd make such a mistake, I'm sure.

Oh, look! It's the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Only there's no mobile. It's just a guy's hat!
Hookers love cupcakes. Need I say more?

Psst! Someone tell the Hamburglar in drag that this isn't the McDonald's.
OK, I think I speak for everyone here including her ass when I say that those shorts don't fit!

Hmmm. That can't end well. It can't start well, either. Is she growing an extra boob on her back? In case she needs a spare?

Congratulations on being at a store that does sell underwear. That does appear as if it will come in handy for you. However, the points that you would have earned for that move does not make up for all of the points that you lost for walking around like that. My eyes...my EYES!
It's a pregnant Sasquatch.
It took me a minute to realize what was wrong with this picture. I just thought the woman had a rather sufficient spare tire around her middle. Then it dawned on me that those were her breasts. Breasts should not extend past the navel. Ever. Please make a note.

It's life-size Asian Barbie. How can she help you?

Look, if you can't get your pants all the way on, you can't just wear them anyways! That's not allowed! It's in the rules! You can't just tuck your butt into your pants like it's your shirt! No!

I feel like playing miniature golf for some reason.

"I’m sorry sir, but those Christmas hams put you over the 12 item limit for this line."

Oh, the irony...

Work it, Santa! WORK IT!

Why, that woman's back has it's own set of breasts! It's like she carries around a spare set in case something happens to the ones in the front. She has back boobs. Double D back boobs. Well, that's just wrong.

Clearly, the man below is the love child of Elvis Presley.

Good Lord! It's like Cher in some sort of drag. I know that's not really a very possible scenario, but that's definitely what it looks like.

Look! A flesh-colored fanny pack! Ohhhh...wait a minute. That's not a fanny pack...no, that's...um...oh, God....

This guy is like Two-Face, only he's Two-Head. Would you ever know if this guy was coming or going? Would you ever want to? Why is he in the condom section? HE'S getting laid?!! NO way! Do you know when the last time that I....um, never mind. I'm thoroughly depressed now.

Pawned Spawn

Hmm. It's been a while since I've done a Walmart post. It's also been a while since I've done a post about people trying to sell their baby. Oh, if there was only some way that I could catch up on both of those topics at the same time. Oh, wait! There is (unfortunately).

Meet a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Samantha Tomasini and her obvious soul mate a one 28-year old (and definitely old enough to know better) Patrick Fousek. They look just like you'd expect a couple of people to look if you were told that they were trying to sell their 6-month old baby outside of a Walmart. Behold!

Told you. Here's the story: In the hole of the central part of California, otherwise known as Salinas, the male asshat in this story approached two women and asked them if they would be interested in taking his baby daughter for a small fee. And by "taking" I mean "purchasing". Now, that's pretty gutsy. Not half as gutsy as it is stupid, but still pretty gutsy.

The women, obviously being smarter than the doorknob who was soliciting his offspring, "...said they didn't know if Fousek was joking or not". And while I understand that line of thinking, that's a heck of a thing to be joking about, not to mention extremely odd. But "...he was insistent and kept telling them 'No, I want to sell you the baby.' " It was likely that very persistence which is why "...they reported the incident to police with a description of Fousek's (the male asshat's) car." To my complete amazement, the police were able to trace the car to his apartment. I don't know why I find that so fascinating, but I do.

Now, I know this next part will come as quite a shock to you, but when the police went to his house, they found the aforementioned parents to be (I hope you're sitting down) high on meth. I know! Shocking! Who would have thought that two people who tried to sell their kid for $25 would be high on meth?! I did not see that coming. And I...wait. $25? What the what?

Correct. According to KSBW, the asking price for a 6-month old baby outside of the Westridge Walmart in Salinas is twenty five dollars. Cash money. American. Twenty five bucks seems awfully low. Was that the rollback price? Seriously, what can you buy for twenty five bucks? Not much, can you? I mean, I don't know what the going price for meth is these days, but I'm guessing that it's more than $25, isn't it?

Naturally, these two Einsteins were arrested and charged with a variety of things, all of which were probably a) appropriate and b) not enough. But here's a weird little tidbit that I did not expect. The guy's brother talked to the news people at KSBW. He didn't give them his name, but he said "...that he was he, not Fousek, who tried to sell the child to the two women outside Walmart for the price of $50, and that it was all a joke."The girls knew I was kidding. Who's going to say you want to buy a baby for $50 to strangers at a Walmart? That's preposterous." And while I commend him on his use of the word 'preposterous' and for charging $50 instead of $25, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard.

And he sort of trips up himself in his own explanation. First he says that it's him who is trying to sell the child. He's the one who says that the girls knew he was kidding. But then he turns around and asks who would say such a thing! Well, you would, sir! You just said that you did! And on top of that, what in the world kind of a joke is that? Offering to sell a baby? It doesn't sound very joke-y to me. Asinine, yes? Joke-y, not so much. Try a knock-knock next time. I can almost guarantee no one will go to jail over a knock-knock joke.