Witchy Woman

This Christine O'Donnell woman who won the Republican nomination for the Senate in Delaware might just be the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently, she appear on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" some 22 times during the course of its run. (Really? 22 times? In my reading up on this woman, it has yet to be explained to me why she was on any show at all. What does she do? What is her habitat? What does she feed her young? So many questions.) And now he wants her on his show. "Maher joked that he’s going to show a fresh clip of O’Donnell every week on his show until O’Donnell agrees to appear again on his show. “I’m just saying, Christine, it’s like a hostage crisis,” he said, “every week you don’t show up, I’m going to throw another body out.” And judging from the body that was thrown out yesterday, she's really going to need to think this one over...and quick.

The latest revelation to come via a clip from Bill Maher is brought to us by the fine folks over there at Think Progress. This was apparently a previously unaired clip. I have no idea why it was unaired, as it is simply fabulous. In the segment, Ms. O'Donnell, the anti-masturbation candidate, talks about her foray into (wait for it) witchcraft. That's right. Witchery. She said, "I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn't know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that....We went to a movie and then had a little picnic on a satanic altar."

OK, hold on a minute there, lady! How does one "dabble" in witchcraft? You had a cauldron, but no stir stick? You had the eye of newt, but not the tongue of frog? What does that mean? And what does it mean that you hung around folks "who were doing these things"? Doing what things? Chanting crazy spells and acting like they have powers? Those sort of things?

I'd also like to know how one goes on a date with an alleged (and likely self-proclaimed) witch and doesn't know it. Seriously, wouldn't the pointy hat give it away? And what movie does one go to see on a witchy first date? I mean, is it a Witches of Eastwick sort of deal or is it more of a Harry Potter-ish genre? I also have several questions about the "little blood" on the satanic altar. Um, so...how'd...how'd that get there? What kind of blood are we talking here? Like, biting the head off of a chicken, a la Ozzy Osbourne blood? Or sacrificing a human being to the all mighty Satan sort of blood? If I had to guess, I'd probably go with the red paint from Home Depot wanna be blood. But that's just a guess.

You know, witches aren't real. There are people who call themselves witches. They're real. But the as for being able to do the real witch stuff? I'm not so sure that there's a lot of validity in their craft. (I mean, flying on a broom? That doesn't seem like it would work all that well.) But I'd really like to know what those two kids did on their second date, I can tell you that. Oh, but in her defense (if there is such a thing in this matter), she did make it clear that she did not join a coven, so that's something! I don't know what, but it is absolutely something. (What would that entail do you suppose? The whole joining of the coven? Like some sort of sorority initiation or something? Is there hazing involved? What about a keg?)

She's only been the nominee for less than a week and we've already be privy to her anti-masturbation stance and her tendency to go on dates with witches atop a satanic altar. (I still really want to know what they ate at the picnic.) And I'm sure that there are more glorious revelations to come. In the meantime, if you're still a little confused on who Christine O'Donnell is and what she stands for (sort of), you can check out the always amusing and sometime enlightening Taiwanese animation of the whole deal. Please do not let the scene in which the young farm boy is choking a chicken go by without acknowledging the double entendre. It's sheer genius is what it is.

Can't Touch That

Meet the latest "fringe" candidate to upset the incumbent in a primary, a one Christine O'Donnell, a Republican from Delaware. Ms. O'Donnell was able to beat out former Delaware governor and nine-term congressman, a one Mike Castle, for the nomination. While I am all for booting out folks that have made politics their lifelong career (while not doing much more than furthering their own power and ridiculously inflated egos), I'm not so sure that I'm in favor of the replacement people being...oh, what's the word I want? Controversial? Maybe, but not quite. Nutty isn't quite what I'm going for either, although it is closer. How about bizarre? That seems to work. Let me try it out. I'm not so sure that I'm in favor of the replacement people being bizarre. Yeah, that's it. And so is she. Bizarre, that is.

This woman has interesting opinions on just about everything. Even things where you wouldn't think that you could have an opinion because you didn't know that a certain angle even existed, she does not disappoint. Take, for example, an appearance this woman made on C-SPAN in 1996. (I know, I know. It's a little weak to be going through footage from 14 years ago. I agree. But I'm assuming that, since this is her stance from a moral perspective, she pretty much still holds this opinion.) She stated that it is a "...misconception that you, quote unquote, can't legislate morality." Wait. She thinks that it's what now?

A misconception, that is correct. She went on to elaborate by saying, "The reality of that statement is that if you don't legislate one morality then you are legislating somebody else's morality. So you can't get around legislating morality." Oohhh. I get it. Wait. No, I don't. What the hell is she talking about? Isn't this like proving a negative? If you're not doing one thing than you're automatically doing the opposite thing? That's not always true. And in this case, I'm pretty sure that it isn't true at all.

Now, if that was the only slightly strange thing that she had voiced in the past, I'd probably let it go. But she doesn't stop there. No, she's big on morality. In 1998, she was on Bill Maher's show "Politically Incorrect". I'm not sure why she was there, but she was. In fact, she was on a panel with Martin Mull, Jasmine Guy and Eddie Izzard discussing the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky fiasco. (I cannot come up with one thing that all of these folks have in common. Jasmine Guy? Really? To discuss politics? Wow. It's like the iPod 'Shuffle' feature picked those guests. I'm actually finding having these four people on the same show for some reason a little more interesting that what Christine O'Donnell actually said.) She didn't want to let ol' Willie Jeff off the hook that easily. And do you know why? School shootings, of course. See, "If we as a nation tolerate sin, generations to come will reap the effects of that....For example, we took the Bible and prayer out of public schools, now we're having weekly shootings practically." Oh, good Lord, woman.

It's hard to imagine that taking the Bible and pray out of public schools was the only thing stopping school shootings for all of the years prior to 1998. But what any of that has to do with a President getting blown in his office by a plowhorse of an intern is beyond me.

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, she's not so much a fan of the evolution. In 1996, she was a spokeswoman for something called the Concerned Women of America. For some reason, she was on CNN debating a one Michael McKinney, am evolutionary biology professors over there at the University of Tennessee. Her take on evolution was: "The tests...they use to support evolution do not have consistent results. Now too many people are blindly accepting evolution as fact. But when you get down to the hard evidence, it's merely a theory." Merely a theory? As opposed to what? Creation? Why, yes, actually. "Well, creationism, in essence, is believing that the world began as the Bible in Genesis says, that God created the Earth in six days, six 24-hour periods. And there is just as much, if not more, evidence supporting that."

Thank you for breaking down what six days amounts to. She didn't really get into the evidence that she says is out there that supports that other than the Bible saying that it's so. She gives more evidence that there are 24 hours in a day than she does to prove creation. I'm also thinking that those concerned women should be a little more concerned that she is going around spewing out ridiculousness like she was.

And you know that I've saved the best for last! And what could be better to save for last than her views on masturbation? Not much, let me tell you. Would you be surprised to learn that she is pro-abstinence? Of course you wouldn't. We all saw that one coming. (No pun really intended there, though it's not bad.) Back in 1996, she was on MTV's "Sex in the 90s" speaking about her campaign

"The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So, you can't masturbate without lust...The reason that you don't tell [people] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue...You're gonna be pleasing each other. And if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?" Has this woman ever had sex in her life?! Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Look, lady...if you think that taking care of business yourself is on a par with having sex, you are clearly mistaken. Taking care of business yourself gets the job done; there's no doubt about that. But it is a far cry from having sex. You know why everyone wants to have sex? Because it's great! Masturbation isn't a substitute for sex! You could sit around all day long pleasuring yourself like a monkey in a cage, but that isn't going to change the fact that you're not going to turn down sex instead should it present itself. And how in the world is it committing adultery? What if you're doing it, but you're not in a relationship with anyone? Are you cheating on yourself? I don't think that you are. And if you expect me to believe that this woman has never pleasured herself, that is more ridiculous than her statement that you're committing adultery if you do.

The good thing is that if she is elected to the Senate, it's highly unlikely that she'll be involved in any sort of legislation aiming to curb masturbatory practices amongst Americans. So you don't have to worry about that. You can worry about other things that she may do if she's elected, but dictating (again, no pun intended) the relationship that you have with your own genitalia is not going to be one of them.